This that I am arises from nothing. One can say it arises from the coupling of the parents, then the joining of the sperm with the egg, and then the growth of the fetus culminating in the birth of ‘me’. But still it all arose, and continues to arise, from nothing. Before the coupling of the parents there was nothing, not even a hint of a ‘me’. From nothing arises something. Each of us is something that arises from nothing.
Long ago, at a retreat, I heard our favourite spiritual teacher, Adyashanti, say that if you could accept yourself exactly as you are, to the depths of your being, you would be free. He said many things but this one stuck with me and became one of the main foci of my quest for inner peace. Accept myself, just as I am, arising in this very specific and unique way, from nothing. I’ve written previously about self-acceptance. Several times I think. As I said it is one of the main themes of the inner journey for me. Just when I get to think I’ve ‘arrived’, another layer is revealed.
It became a kind of meditation, dropping right into the feeling of being this ‘Alison thing’, this whole body-mind package that is called Alison. And every time I dropped deep into the feeling of being me I would sense a bottomless well of grief and heartache and resistance: everything was wrong about me. Unacceptable.
It was easy to see the things that were wrong with the body. The teaching is so insidious, so pervasive in western societies, and more increasingly in other societies, that tall and thin is it, and anything else is less than, is not good enough. Throughout my life, with relentless inner conflict regarding food and exercise, I have achieved reasonable success at the being thin part, but the tall part I could do nothing about. I had swallowed the teaching whole. At just over five feet tall I was not good enough. Unacceptable.
As for the personality I can barely find words to describe my feelings about it. In one way or another I have been given the message that the way I am is not good enough. I shouldn’t be so . . . . . sensitive, defensive, angry, fierce, fake, self-absorbed, selfish, dishonest, weird, different, flakey, judgmental, emotional, critical, unsuccessful, unstable, unlovable. There is no blame for the people who gave me these messages. They were frequently right. And I was incapable of receiving a different message. Because I believed it all to be true. To be me was unacceptable, so why would I not believe it? Why would I not resist it? To be me was nothing but pain and grief and heartache.
Over the years as I swam in the dark waters of the psyche, deeper and deeper, as deep as I could go, and released all the painful feelings lurking there, things slowly began to clear. I developed a complete lack of fear of the so-called negative emotions. Anger, shame, guilt, pain, all were there only to be felt. All were seen as visitors in the house of me, each one needing only to be acknowledged, heard, and experienced. I could become both the person in such deep pain that it felt impossible to cry hard enough, and at the same time the simple witness to the emotional storm. It was just pain after all, and all storms pass.
It has seemed over the years that there was to be no let-up, no end. No matter how much I cleared, every time I dropped deep into the feeling of being me, being this ‘Alison thing’, this something arising from nothing, there was only sobbing out the pain and the heartache and the grief of being me. What I found in those depths was as far from acceptance as one could possibly get.
I began to wonder if it would ever end. I couldn’t understand why I continued to be in such tenacious resistance to being me. It was so painful. Then last week came a day of feeling the feelings. A day of tears, letting them flow, tears for me, tears for the world, tears for the human condition, tears for all the ways in which we cause suffering for ourselves, tears for the something that arises from nothing.
From this arose the clarity that the core belief is that I am not worthy of love. It doesn’t matter that Don loves me. It doesn’t matter that my family loves me. It doesn’t matter that my friends love me. It doesn’t matter that apparently even people I have never met love me. It was patently clear that if I could not love this me that arises here, in all its imperfections, then I could not really receive the love of others, but more importantly, I could not fully and authentically love anyone or anything. If there is not love in the heart there is not love in the heart.
It is not true to say I have never felt and received love from others. It is even less true to say I have not felt love in my heart for others. I frequently look at Don and my heart melts like soft butter. What is true is that the love is not abiding and that unlove can be triggered at the slightest hint from someone that I’m somehow unacceptable. Not good enough. Wrong. And of course it is nothing but a mirror of my own inner beliefs about myself – somehow unacceptable and therefore unworthy of love.
One thing that has become clear is a lifetime of complaint, beginning of course with the endless complaints about myself. Unacceptable. Not good enough. These complaints, when not directed at myself, were often projected onto others or the world at large. How easy it is for us to complain, about the behavior of others, about the weather, about the state of the world, about anything and everything. I can finally see with clarity how this most essential definition of myself as unacceptable has lead to a lifetime of unconscious low-grade complaint.
It’s not as if I have never felt gratitude and appreciation. On the contrary one of the things that I’m most grateful for is that I have, later in life, finally learned to authentically feel gratitude, and to recognize and appreciate how blessed I am. And now I see there is still room for improvement. I have nothing to complain about. And every reason to be grateful for all that I am, for all that arises here as this body-mind package known as Alison, for this extraordinary gift of Life that arises as me.
Something has shifted. I started playing around with the idea of being worthy of love. Love from me for me. Love for this something that arises from nothing, this body-mind package, this ‘Alison thing’, this thing that arises from the great Mystery that is Life. Why not? What if I am worthy of love? It’s a rhetorical question to trick the mind into opening to new directions, new ways of being. And if not love, or even acceptance, then at least a letting go of relentless resistance. How grand it would be if love could arise here from me for me and from that spread out to include everyone and everything, which I believe would be the inevitable result.
Now when I drop deep into the feeling of being me there is no more grief, no more tears, no more resistance or inevitable judgment. Now it’s a kind of soft bewilderment. What is this? It is not love yet, but it is certainly finally no longer unremitting outright heartbreaking resistance. Progress.
Photo of the day: Early morning, False Creek, Vancouver
All words and images by Alison Louise Armstrong unless otherwise noted
© Alison Louise Armstrong and Adventures in Wonderland – a pilgrimage of the heart, 2010-2015.
YES! It is so huge recognizing that you are wholely and completely loved by forces so much larger than you. This helped me so immensely. If I am completely loved in a way greater than I have ever imagined, exactly as I am, warts and all, then shouldn’t I love and care for myself? Perfection was never the goal. Self awareness. Humility. Compassion, for others definitely, but the really hard part? For yourself as well.
You are wonderful my friend, as is this post. ❤ And you are so very loved. Try and imagine it…….
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Thank you Cindy for your kind words. And yes you are right – for oneself is the hardest part. I have been imagining it. It’s starting to work 🙂
I’ve long understood that the real issue is getting beyond the ingrained beliefs to a place of being able to receive/experience the love that *is* the Universe. What a great blessing to even be this aware. Bit by bit the belief structures crumble and fall.
Thank you ❤
Alison
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Your words are inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you Matt. And you’re welcome. I’m glad you found it helpful.
Alison
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An incredible, and honest post, Alison. You’ve opened up your soul. I won’t go on with anything else, except to say that it seems you’re reaching acceptance (of yourself)…maybe the step right before being able to fully love yourself. Definitely acceptable.
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I know you’ll love the synchronicity of this post I just found on facebook and the link it leads to. For what it’s worth:
JEFF BROWN
Yesterday at 4:25pm ·
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Thank you so much Angeline. Writing this post did feel a bit like opening a vein and dipping my pen in, but it was the post that wanted to be written so there was no choice really. It feels as if the door to a whole new level of self acceptance has been opened, and with it a greater inner peace. Yes, definitely acceptable!
I think the course is not for me – mainly because I have developed excellent inner healing strategies and tools for myself which I’ve used with great success for many years, but thank you for the suggestion. His work and approach sounds very interesting.
Alison ❤
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I think you’ve given us an inside look at the journey we all face. I know that love of self issue is core for me. Thanks for bringing us in to your process.
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Thanks Leigh. I agree that love of self is an issue for many, if not most, people. My only process really is to feel the feelings and break down the erroneous beliefs. Step by step we get there, and what an incredible journey it is. No matter how painful I don’t think I’d have it any other way.
Alison ❤
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Thanks for your authentic sharing. It resonates with me in many ways. I smiled about your not being tall enough. At slightly over 5 feet too I know what you mean. One thing I like about being in Dollu Nepal is that Tibetans are mostly not tall. I’m in my like company😸. Hang in there Alison and know you are loved by everyone and everything even when it doesn’t feel that way. Life is always fueled by Love! Take care. Beautiful photo of the boat, water, reflection.
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Thanks Lee. I suspect this will resonate with many. A lot of people have self esteem and worthiness issues. I think it’s a pretty common human condition. I really want to be done with the resistance to being this ‘Alison thing’ because I know it causes suffering, but far more important than that, it blocks the lived experience of love. That’s what I’m aiming for. It’s getting better day by day 🙂
One day I’ll be beaming so much love everyone will need sunglasses 🙂
Alison ❤
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Thanks, Alison. You are loved, and you are love. Love, Meg
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Thanks Meg, and you too. And one day I will be done with blocking the lived experience of that. It’s one thing to know it, its another to have the direct experience of it. My heart has softened a lot over the years. One day it will break wide open.
Love to you too dear friend
Alison
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Bewilderment is a good thing, Alison! It shows that the harsh judgmental mind is finally on its way out. It’s a big shift, because when we don’t know anything any more we are on our way home.
I am happy for you.
Tanya
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Yes, I agree, bewilderment is a good thing! There has arisen the clarity many times that I don’t actually know anything, but it slips away. Maybe this time it will stay awhile.
Thanks Tanya.
Alison
PS You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes WP goes a little weird. Your comment never went to moderation. I deleted the other one.
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insightfully sweet introspection, Alison!
wonderful to be at peace
with the persona appearing
fresh and new,
as a gift,
each morning 🙂
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Finally I think I will feel at peace with what is. It has been/continues to be a literally mind blowing journey.
A fresh new gift each morning – what a lovely way to see it.
Thanks so much
Alison ❤
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“Something has shifted.”
It doesn’t sound that dramatic put like that.
In fact, it’s enormous of course.
Well done!
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You get it! Yes it’s enormous. Thank you 🙂
Alison
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Hi Ali
You have shared such wisdom with me; and uplifted me over and over with your supportive words/thoughts…you are so much love!
You are exactly where you are meant to be…remember?
(and what an incredible photo by the way)
😉 annie
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Thank you so much Annie. I’m glad my little bit of support has helped from time to time. I love our online community.
Yes, exactly where I’m meant to be – it seems to be improving 🙂
Thanks re the photo.
Alison ❤
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Lovely. And, love Adyashanti. Went to a retreat with him in Northern California a couple of years ago. What an incredible energy. That energy flies off your page with this one. ❤
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Isn’t Adya the best thing ever! I’ve been to 3 or 4 retreats with him, and many many weekend intensives – so much clarity and love.
I do feel honoured that you think Adya’s energy is in my post. I guess it means some of it has rubbed off 🙂
Alison ❤
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Thank you for posting this, Alison. Thank you for sharing about your journey, and your revelations along the way. It’s not always easy to talk about them, especially with people you’ve never met who – nevertheless – at least like you and appreciate what you and Don are doing. 🙂
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Thanks Felicity. As I said in my reply to Angeline, writing this post felt a bit like opening a vein and dipping my pen in, but it was the post that wanted to be written so there was no choice really. There’s something about telling the truth that’s both scary and freeing at the same time. Thanks for your support.
Alison ❤
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Another wonderful posting Alison – thank you for sharing an inner journey that I can also relate to. And thank you (and Don) for taking the time to meet with us. We were so delighted! We are hoping our paths will cross again in the future – perhaps in Manitoba??????
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Thanks Barbara. I think probably many can relate to this one. I may be wrong but I think most of us deal with self acceptance issues one way or another.
It was so wonderful to meet you both. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves! Maybe we’ll see you in Manitoba one day lol, but more likely when you come back to the coast 🙂
Alison
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You are a light in the universe, so worthy, so important, and so well loved.
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Thanks so much Jo. Thanks for your support. It’s so encouraging to hear it, especially now when there is deeper self acceptance and so more room to let it in.
You too are all those things!
Alison ❤
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Oh, how beautifully you’ve expressed what I often feel… Anita
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Thanks Anita. As I said to countrymanners I think many people deal with self acceptance issues. It seems to be a core part of being human, and we do it until we discover how not to. Often seems to be a long journey 🙂
Alison
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Beautiful, Alison. One of the aspects of A Course of Love (my particular form of your Adyashanti I think) that so drew me in was the distinction between the personal, and the ego. They are not one and the same. God doesn’t have a birth date. The personality does. God shining through a personality becomes eternity peeking into the world through a born on date. Ego is only the false beliefs and misperceptions that once stopped up the flow of eternity through the personal vehicle.
As Hariod noted, when we write this stuff down it seems so simple. So obvious. Yet it is so far from obvious or easy when we’re living in the midst of it. I think there is a sort of bug going around, and you can get it by blogging or something, because I went through a similar experience this past month. It’s amazing in a way– when it’s time, it’s time. When we’re ready to shed a falsehood, it is shed. With one clear, wholehearted moment of prayer, it is gone forever. One snap of our saintly fingers.
The rest of the time I must have been just thinking about diving in while holding onto the railing with both hands… No shame in that. In eternity the buses don’t run on a fixed schedule, and we always arrive on time… 🙂
Michael
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I do like that distinction between the personal and ego – it makes so much sense. I feel like a big chunk of ego just crumbled and fell.
I’m pleased for you that you’ve had a similar experience. It’s so freeing. And yes, when it’s time it’s time and not one tiny singly thing could have ever been different about our apparent journeys out of the various falsehoods of ego.
Adya said something along the lines of – awakening will happen, it’s just a matter of how deep the claw marks of your holding on will be.
Alison
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This posting really resonated with my, Alison. I share your quest for peace of mind, and experience the same obstacles. I try to just be with myself in the moment, and to live within my own skin, accepting of who I am. It’s not easy and I don’t always succeed (more often don’t than do) – being in the company of a dog actually helps me a lot, because my dog lives in the moment, and loves me exactly as I am.
Peace of mind and self-acceptance are the most important things to strive for in my view – regardless of one’s circumstances and conditions, etc.
Your notion that “nothing arises something” also brought to mind Sartre’s existentialist work ‘Being and Nothingness’ – which I find inspirational.
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Thanks for your thoughtful comment Gayle. I suspect this post resonates for many. Although I’ve never been a dog person I do love how much your dog helps by demonstrating presence and unconditional love. I suspect that resonates for many too.
I agree peace of mind and self acceptance are the most important things to strive for. Imagine a world where everyone felt comfortable in their own skin. I think we would all treat each other very differently.
I’m not remotely any kind of scholar and my brief attempts at tertiary education were not directed towards philosophy, though for my entire adult life my greatest passion has been to understand who/what we are, how the mind works, how life works, all in the quest for inner peace. So I confess I’m not familiar with Sartre beyond having heard of him but it tickles me that somehow I’ve managed to discover some of his teachings through my teachers and my own inner explorations.
Alison
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In short, Sartre’s view is that we are born with nothing – as blank slates with which to create the self. We are the artists of our own lives and with that, comes the responsibility of free will and a call for courage: to make choices that allow us to fulfill our person-hood. His view disagrees with determinism (i.e. BF Skinner), which claims that our environment limits or fully determines who we become and what we can do.
I think I’m a ‘soft’ determinist, but like Sartre’s vision of self-realization and idea that there power in all the ability to make a choice.
Don’t let me kid you that a philosophically inclined though – hate the stuff, for the most part.
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Thanks for this. I’m more inclined towards Sartre’s view, but at the same time am very much aware that not everyone has the inner drive or ability to rise above a difficult environment. In the end I just think we’re all so very different, and that the way life works is a complete mystery to me, and that what we get and the way each of us deals with it all seems like some big lottery. I also believe in reincarnation and therefore as many do overs as we would wish until we’re satisfied and/or bored with the game and move on to other realms.
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Dear sweet Alison, Thank you for opening yourself up to (and for) us and for being so real. Self-acceptance is a journey so many of us try to take and it is difficult. In Christianity the name Satan means accuser. When I learned this, I found it so helpful. Now, when I direct negative comments at myself in my head, I view it as not my real self but the accusing side of me (ego)…a trickster who’s goal is to get me down and to thwart my success and I simply tell it to shut up. I can’t help laughing at myself doing it and that also helps me to make that shift.
Btw, I now remember it was you who recommended Adyashanti to me. I ordered a book through Amazon which I started reading. I don’t know what made me pick this particular one but I find it a bit of a downer (all about the pitfalls of enlightenment). It is probably not the one I need to read at this particular point. Can you recommend another one for me?
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I love that satan simply means accuser – how simply put, and how horrendously we have twisted it over the centuries. I’ve heard that sin simply means ‘missing the mark’. That too has been twisted. I love that you tell the accuser to shut up. I laughed when I read that. I will try it myself 🙂 The accuser strikes me as being not only the ego but also what Eckhart Tolle calls the pain body looking to create drama and pain to feed on.
Good Lord I’m astonished Adya would write a book about the pitfalls of enlightenment. I guess he wants to make sure people don’t get off on the wrong track. It’s certainly a deeply paradoxical and tricky journey. So far I’ve found it to be anyway.
The only book of Adya’s I’ve read is My Secret is Silence which I loved, and I believe is his first book. My contact with his teachings has come through sitting in satsang with him during numerous weekend intensives, and 3 x 5 day retreats and one 7 day retreat, and listening to his videos.
Thank you for your support and kind words
Alison ❤
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Thanks Alison for your response! I forgot about Eckhart calling it “the pain body”. I agree with you about how awful it is that the words Satan and sin have come to be twisted. Personally, I believe that by twisting this, they have twisted the very nature of God. I will look for the book you recommended…thanks so much!
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Yes, I do agree. The God I know is one of infinite love and is within us/as us and the only journey really is undoing the forgetting of who/what we really are so the love has room to flow freely.
A. ❤
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Alison, all through my teenage years I hated being short, all my friends had the lovely long legs. Then I discovered heels and that helped. As we get older so many insecurities are overcome and we learn that life is too short and too precious to waste on trying to be who or what we are not. Thanks for your honesty and being so real.
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Hi Gilda, thanks for joining the conversation. And thanks for your support. I too discovered heels, then I became a hippie and for years my height, or lack of it, wasn’t remotely an issue. It was only a bit later in life that all the body issues surfaced so I could break down and be free of the limiting belief structures that were causing suffering. I agree life is too short to waste on trying to be what we are not. It’s also too short to waste on inner self criticism and resistance. It has been a long slow inner journey, most of my adult life really, to move through the inner resistance to being me that arose from all that I was taught about being ‘good enough’. I have not reached the end of the journey, but I feel this latest shift was a major break-through into a place of deep acceptance and the peace that comes with that.
Alison
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Alison, after reading the very thoughtful comments from everyone and seeing your equally thoughtful responses we are even more grateful we had the opportunity to meet you in person. Thank you! I suppose you will be heading out into the “bigger world” very soon. Safe journey’s and take care of your wonderful selves.
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Thanks Barbara, it was wonderful to meet you two too! We head out tomorrow! Yay!
Hawaii, Samoa, Fiji, Oz, NZ – so excited.
Alison
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Your rhetorical question to trick the mind reminds me of my counselor’s occasional suggestion that I try an experiment. Each time I experience what you refer to (on a smaller scale) – an opening. So glad your opening is in the direction of self-love. What a wonderful, wonderful journey!
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Thanks so much Kelly. Yes it is, and continues to be a wonderful journey. Many many steps apparently. I often throw rhetorical questions at the mind, sometimes over and over in a relentless way, until the mind’s old position starts to crumble. Feeling more comfortable in my skin, more acceptance than ever before.
What is your counsellor’s experiment?
Alison ❤
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I knew I wasn’t being clear, but felt I needed to be sparse with my words, even if I was unclear. Oy!
My counselor refers to trying an experiment anytime he wants me to open my mind. As you say, to cause a crumbling of my mind’s old position. He has given me many experiments over the 5 years we have worked together, and his tone is so sweet, like a very lovely teacher who is hoping to slip past my stories with a new line or character or plot. He tilts his head a tiny bit, pauses, then says, “Now, Kelly, how would you like to try an experiment over the next week or so?” Each experiment has been a blessing.
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He sounds like a wonderful, and wise, counsellor.
My questioning the mind in ways that get the old narrative to crumble came to me many many years ago when I was dealing with major money issues. Then quite a few years after that I was introduced to Byron Katie’s method (which involves asking several questions – is that true? who would you be without that thought? etc) and then hearing Adya say he started asking what was true and found pretty much nothing in the mind was true. I also followed Seth’s teachings since 1984 and he teaches about beliefs and belief structures and that our entire lives are a reflection of our beliefs and expectations. So I guess the whole idea of not believing the mind stories has been with me for a long time.
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Thank you for this. I deeper level of self-acceptance. I didn’t read all the comments, but your last response where you mentioned ‘money’ and Byron Katie was like a flashing light alerting me to remember, just remember.
My journey has been extensive and scattered (much like my thoughts, the stories, and beliefs). Seems I learn as I go then forget as I go. I find myself in a ‘hole’ I freely jumped into and then I read your post. Ever so gently guiding me back to the truth.
All the ‘struggles’ in MY head and all the love I’m worthy of.
As I lose myself in sabotaging my own growth and progress, I keep deep inside of me, my faith in me. I pray for truth and guidance knowing that the right person, the right words, the right picture will wake me up once again.
Thank you! Your ripple effect reached me.
Love,
Carmen
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Hi Carmen, thank you for your thoughtful comment. I do relate very much to the journey of remembering and forgetting, remembering and forgetting, finding yourself in a hole and realising you did it to yourself. I know this journey well. I must say that now when I feel into being me love arises which feels like a blessing. I am so glad my journey, my words, helped you find your way back to remembering the truth. Every time you need them I’m sure the right words will be there to remind you. I love Michaels comment on the post called “The Next Leg” – he said “And enlightenment of course is who we all are when we stop trying to be somebody else.” So simple eh?
Love,
Alison
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