Did you know there are over one hundred and sixty
mosquito-borne viruses in the Amazon? I didn’t.
I had red itchy spots all over my belly.
It’s just a heat rash I tell myself
until weeks later the naturopath tells me different.
It’s viral he says and gives me drops that make it worse.
Research reveals the one hundred and sixty
and a list of symptoms:
poor digestion, aching joints, red spots,
and it takes a long time to heal.
For two weeks I have poor digestion, aching hips
and knees on fire like never before. I am ill.
I wake up one morning and realize I believe I have a virus.
I stop believing it.
The digestive issues disappear immediately.
The fire in my knees diminishes by about sixty percent,
immediately,
and over the next week or so by about another twenty.
My hips sigh.
I was twenty-five when I first heard of enlightenment.
I could live in bliss?
I could be happy?
I want that I said, without even knowing I’d said it.
It set the course for my entire life.
Now, for the first time, there is seen a separation
between me and the striving for enlightenment.
For the first time in nearly forty years I see that I am not the striving.
Why do I keep striving to get somewhere?
I am already here.
A revelation.
Oh, don’t get me wrong; the striving has served me well, but in the separation,
in the seeing of it, I have the choice to stop.
I choose to stop.
My hips sigh.
When we are travelling there’s a pressure to do and see
all the things there are to do and see
in each new place we visit.
Always an inner striving, no room to know what’s really wanted,
you must do this because you will never be here again.
Oh don’t get me wrong; I wouldn’t have missed any of it,
except the striving for it.
Now I see the striving.
I choose to stop.
My hips sigh.
Mother stuff up again.
Really? Really?
I could write a list from here to Christmas
of all the ways she was a good mother,
but it’s the bad mother bits that stick isn’t it,
lodged in the personality as a sudden fire cracker of anger,
a puddle of tears, a wall of defenses. And pain.
Done the mother stuff to death,
Or so I thought.
Years of tears for the sensitive soul with a harsh mother.
Why couldn’t she let me be as I am
and not make me wrong for being that way?
Why couldn’t she see me?
Mother stuff again.
Really? Am I not done with it yet?
When will I let go of the same old same old sad story?
In all honesty I knew it wasn’t done.
Heart hard against her.
How could I possibly love her?
And yet I knew I had to somehow.
A heart closed against even one is a still closed heart.
Breathe in I choose love here
Breathe out.
Breathe in I choose love here
Breathe out.
Breathe in I choose love here
Breathe out.
Softening. Softening.
Tears for my pain, and hers.
Tears for the ego’s rigid position that it now must surrender,
loss of sovereignty.
Surrender.
My hips sigh.
My knees begin to breathe.
At fourteen I see a photo of myself in a white bikini.
I discover I have hips!
And short legs and knock-knees.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
I already know by this age that
straight legs that go on forever
and skinny no hips to speak of at all really
is the perfect body.
Epic fail.
Always striving to be skinny.
That at least I thought I could control.
Another fail.
Body stuff up again.
Really? Really?
A lifetime of hating the body I have
no matter that it has served me well,
healthy and agile, full of energy, always ready to go.
A gift really, a huge gift, a perfect parcel of life
bursting at the seams.
Is it possible to love the body I have,
heck even to just accept it,
to not hate it from the waist down?
A heart closed against the body is still a closed heart.
Body stuff again.
Really? Am I not done with it yet?
When will I let go of the same old same old sad story?
Breathe in I choose love here
Breathe out
Breathe in I choose love here
Breathe out.
Breathe in I choose love here
Breathe out.
Softening. Softening.
Opening to the possibility of another position,
a different opinion. A letting go.
Sadness arises for the pain of always striving for something else,
something ‘better’.
Tears for the ego’s rigid position that it now must surrender,
loss of sovereignty.
Surrender.
My hips sigh.
My knees begin to breathe.
This morning I jumped up from the bed to go downstairs.
For the first time in forever my hips weren’t stiff.
I didn’t have to wait a moment or two before I could walk.
I just jumped up and started moving.
No pain! I didn’t even notice until I was downstairs.
Joy!
It didn’t last. Next time I got up I was more conscious.
Paying attention. A little stiff.
And later in the day a little more.
But, don’t you see, it’s progress!
The energy is moving.
As the old rigid positions of the mind fall away
the old rigid positions of the body fall away.
I choose to embrace laziness.
I will discover how to be a star at relaxation.
And one day,
when a barely perceptible impulse to move floats in on the wind,
I will learn how to harness the striving.
Reframe it,
rename it,
and discover its gift.
Then in open space
this euphoric exhilarating energy
will unfold and flow as the wings of life,
spontaneous and free,
and in a way that doesn’t bring me pain
while it fills me with joy.
Photo of the day: Coleus, Chiang Mai, Thailand
All words and images by Alison Louise Armstrong unless otherwise noted
© Alison Louise Armstrong and Adventures in Wonderland – a pilgrimage of the heart, 2010-2015.
Adventures in Wonderland 
the mother stuff is swirling all around me
great post Ali xx
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Thanks. I was beginning to think that it never ends, but it has finally ended. I can think of her softly now. Trust that you’ll get there.
Ali xox
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I’m caught up with caring for her Ali – 2 ambulances in the last 2 weeks…and then the me as a mother stuff as well.
I trust I’ll get there one day too 😉 xx
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Oh you do have a lot on your plate. Sending prayers for you, and for your mum.
(((((hugs)))))
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Thanks so much Ali xx
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My heart aches for you for your Mother sadness. I have other deep family heartaches, but was so lucky to have a wonderful Mother. I miss her every day. The body fails us as we age; it just wears out, don’t you think? I love your insights on striving. I am the same. Sometimes it is good to just accept what is. My brother always says, “It is what it is.”, and he is always content.
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Thanks for your kind thoughts Shirley. A lot of the time I’m very good at acceptance, and catch myself when I’m not in acceptance – it hurts too much lol. But then there’s also the striving that I want to learn how to do differently. So it doesn’t hurt 🙂
I see so many examples of the body not ‘just wearing out’ that I’m not willing to fall into that hole. I’m not saying there’s no such thing as ageing. I am saying that our conditioned and limiting beliefs about it help it along.
All the stuff about these sweet close mother daughter relationships you see in movies/read in books – like many I never had that. It’s been idealized I think. My mother was a very good but flawed person. I was a good but flawed and extremely sensitive child. I’ve finally come to terms with it. No need to ache for me, I’ve finally found resolution and acceptance. She helped me get where I am today. I wouldn’t change that.
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This really IS “not just a travel blog”! And yet … I’ve always felt that, for me, travel itself has been the main catalyst for the unsticking of my mind and the broadening and deepening of my thinking. It gives us the opportunity to be able to ruminate on these kinds of things. In what I still call “real” life (because I have not escaped yet, as you have!), it’s harder to ponder these things and give ourselves time and permission to rummage up old feelings and hurts and regrets, and then have the freedom to let them go and to consciously choose to be happy.
On a different note, I can’t wait to hear about Cyprus! I have family there, but have spent most of my time in Greece in Athens or the Peloponnese. My Greek heritage is a big part of me; in fact, my very first travel story when I started my blog was about my first exposure to a different part of the world and a (shockingly and disconcertingly!) different way of thinking in a tiny village in Greece.
As always, it’s a pleasure reading your blog!
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My career has been about inner healing. It’s just the way Life unfolded for me because I wanted some inner peace and chose a spiritual path. I once counted that I’ve had over 100 different types of jobs. I never really trained in anything much, and never completed tertiary education. The inner healing and following whatever was needed for that was always more important. My “real life” consisted of whatever job I could get to survive while I pursued healing and a deepening spirituality. From the time we became nomadic the blog has been as much about the inner journey because, as you say, travel is such a catalyst. We had *no idea* how much of a catalyst it would be! Quite mind bending. In a good way. The old stuff slowly crumbles away.
We’ve hardly seen Cyprus 😦 because we’ve been very much in rest and recovery mode. But in 2 days we head off on a week of travel through the Troodos Mountains, and down to Paphos. We can’t leave without seeing something of this beautiful Island.
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Wow, Allison, wow! As I read it, I breathed in and out my own mother pain. What else is there to do but chose love? Magnificent post, my friend. Powerful.
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Thank you so much Paulette. I agree – what else is there but to choose love? It feels like it’s been a long journey for me but today I spontaneously thought of my mum and for the first time I think, the thought was full of love, and the thought/feeling that spontaneously arose was “my sweet mum”. What a turn around! She and I were so mismatched, and yet so exactly right for each other no matter how painful it was.
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I understand. This is a gift of incredible magnitude. ❤
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Brilliant Allison..simply brilliant thank you for this
travel safely eva
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Thanks so much Eva. And you’re welcome. I’m glad it resonated for you.
Alison
xox
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Wonderful, Alison! Thank you.
And those coleus are truly beautiful! Kay
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Thanks Kay. I spied those coleus in the little entrance area to a home in Chiang Mai and was immediately captivated by the colours, the way the plants and pot and wall colour all matched.
A. xox
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Hi Alison, I liked your “poem”! You were so honest and vulnerable. With love from Jacquie, to Don also. : )
Date: Mon, 12 May 2014 07:50:37 +0000 To: jacquiehoerger@hotmail.com
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Hi Jacquie, how lovely to hear from you! Thanks for your kind words, I’m glad my poem resonated for you.
We’ll be back in Van June-Nov – maybe we’ll get to see each other again.
Hugs to you guys
Alison
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Ah, you make me want to write! This post is so very, very lovely in so many, many ways.
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Thank you so much Kelly. I’ve been through so many changes since the last Nomadic Life post but couldn’t bear the thought of writing another long-winded self-absorbed post about it all. Then I thought ‘I’ll just do it in quick point form’ and the poem came by itself. A blessing.
Hugs, A.
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I remember a quote from a movie that has resonated with me over the years. The movie is “Hope Floats” and the quote: “Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome.” As a sensitive child myself, I’ve found much truth in the statement.
Ah, you’re about to travel again. This must mean the two of you are beginning to revive. Good news for the rest of us – another adventure!
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I loved that movie! I think that statement is true for many many people. And I know it was also true for my mum. She had her own demons to overcome. Somehow we all muddle through and bit by bit the chain is broken.
Yes, we are reviving. We set out tomorrow on a little road trip – looking forward to it. Excited to be on the road again 🙂
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Still waiting (patiently) for the Galapagos…
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5 posts away 🙂
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Beautifully put And, I’m sad to say, all too familiar, those thought patterns that keep circling back…
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Thanks Leigh. And they’re not circling back! At least the thoughts about my mum. Finally I think the chain is broken and there’s a softness towards her. The body image stuff – well I’m getting there. Also seriously learning about the body as a hologram/energy field and that if I stop believing in the dis-ease it goes away. Progress!
xox
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Always nice when those circles end. Congrats on the progress!
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Instant tears while reading, I could feel it and you. How beautiful. What an incredible share. You’re both such incredibly gifted writers with the wonderful ability to make others feel.
These things that keep coming up for all of us are such significant reminders to continuously strive to see what the lesson in it is. These lessons are so personal, so particular to each of us; it reminds me of what my lovely teacher, Val, said to me “The gift of doing spiritual work is more spiritual work.” – there was a big “REALLY?” moment for me when I contemplated that.
And on it goes – I have sloughs of these “Really?” moments often. Body image being a major one. I finally came to the conclusion, not too long ago, that completion is a verb an ever happening thing…there’s no end to any of it, just changes. It helped me to think about it like that, to see my issues as part of my solution and not my problem.
Rambling – bottom line – I loved it.
Thanks for this ever inspirational honesty. It makes me realize that I’ve been out of touch with my own as of late.
Here’s something I’m compelled to hear your feelings on – with your out of the box brilliant lifestyle, how do you guys maintain your center in not caring or worrying about what others think? How do you maintain true to your compass?
~ Andrea ❤
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Thank you so much Andrea. I’m glad it resonated for you. I remember one of our teachers (maybe Gangaji, maybe Adyashanti) saying there’s always more to learn, more expansion, even for them. Always more. I think I’m just taking that in. It’s not about any end point. It’s aways the journey. And the journey never ends. Wow! That’s a lot to take in when you think about it. And it certainly helps put things in a different perspective. I like your idea that completion is a verb.
To answer your questions – we’re both committed to being as honest and authentic as we possibly can having tried the other (probably over several lifetimes, and certainly for the better part of this lifetime) and discovered that it doesn’t work very well. It just creates more pain and suffering, and whatever you’re trying to hide, people get it anyway. This authenticity, this living from the deepest truth we can access in any moment is probably more important to us than anything else. We practiced with each other – tell the truth no matter how vulnerable you feel – for years, and then with our spiritual community in Vancouver – tell the truth no matter how vulnerable you feel – and now we get to practice with everyone who reads the blog. It’s not that I don’t feel vulnerable when I post stuff like this. It’s that telling the truth is more important than any other option. And of course the more we do it the more we find that it’s all oaky. People take it the way they take it. There’s nothing I can do about that, and in the end I have nothing to hide.
That’s our true north – living from the deepest truth. If something feels right we do it, otherwise we don’t. If we’re struggling with making plans we take time to check in to see what’s really wanted. If it doesn’t resonate we don’t go there literally and figuratively.
Alison ❤
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I really love everything you said here, Alison. I particularly love how you said “telling the truth is more important than any other option.” That slaps me in a very positive way.
I’m ready to feel that. I’m tired of the self sacrifice that comes with worrying about how others will take it, or feel or view me.
I suppose I asked you out of the knowing that you both stem from your truths – no easy feat in today’s world where we’re all so side tracked with developing our image or cementing our definition of who we want the world to see. Anything but the truth really.
I have this needling feeling that it’s time to release my truth, and to live from a more authentic place of who I am, without all of the fear I’ve mustered up over my lifetime.
I get your response, I really get it. Thank you for answering my question and again, for your honesty.
~A ❤
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You’re welcome. I think we both got to the point where we realized that not being authentic was just too painful. We’d both had many failed relationships so we learned really well how not to do it.
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Hi Andrea,
I’ve been reading and enjoying all of your comments this morning, and when I got to your question ‘with your out of the box brilliant lifestyle, how do you guys maintain your center in not caring or worrying about what others think?’ I just burst out laughing. When Alison asked me why I was laughing I had to admit that I had no idea: the question had just struck me as hilarious. Then I realised what was funny: that it’s really true that we no longer care or worry about what others think of our lifestyle, and that’s a huge change for both of us, who have always worried and fretted about what other people might think. Now our motto is Life’s too short: it’s too short to worry about what others think, too short to worry about money, too short to worry about our health or about what might, but probably won’t, happen in some imaginary future. This is our life to do with as we, and God, will.
So my deepest thanks for asking the question and reminding us how much we’ve changed in the past few years since we began travelling.
Don ❤
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I love this so much, Don! What an amazing feeling of freedom to truly feel as though you no longer care or worry about what others think. I really find that to be the magic we’re all seeking in this life.
No matter how “ordinary” or “extraordinary” our lives are (is there really a difference?) , the feeling behind it is what makes all the difference, not the actual action or event. I feel so bonded to this idea of living from one’s truth, but yet I find it to be the most scary of all the mountains to climb. BUT I live from the external space that I don’t care what others think, when deep down it’s absolutely not true. I hold back in all sorts of ways, and risking vulnerability, as Alison mentioned above, is not something I often engage.
I really enjoy your blog from this stance that you’re letting it free. I recognize something hidden in myself in both of your abilities to release and I’m very appreciative for the alisonanddon mirror! It’s reminding me to be more bold, more honest and more vulnerable.
Life IS too short, you’re so right – I love that you’re sharing this. All of it – the growth, the journey, the thoughts, the light, the shadows, the ups, and the downs. That’s what it’s all about – that is the enlightenment, the inspiration and the light, which stems from the truth.
When the truth is shared, it really is a beautiful thing to be a part of. I’m highly inspired by this.
Thanks to you both!
~ Andrea ❤
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Andrea, Wow, that’s all I can say about your latest comments: so much truth embodied in them. I especially liked your thought that the feelings behind any action or event are more important than the events themselves. So true.
Sometimes our lives feel very ordinary, especially during those times when we’re in recovery from all the doing, but it’s when we have the time to just be that the inner journey comes into clearer focus.
Thanks again for all your comments,
Don ❤
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A soul-tingling share, Alison. I loved your line about being a star at relaxation, about radiating without striving, and I especially love the way your bitterness and doubt atrophied with your choice to Love, releasing suffering… It is inspiring. How many times have I doubted it could be so simple? How many stars are in the night sky? Ahhh… those lazy brilliances…..
Michael
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Thank you Michael. Yes it really is that simple – the choice for love, and it amazes me how long I hold on to something other than that until, each time, I remember, again, choose love. Though I do love how the reminders come so frequently these days.
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Beautifully stated Alison… and a valuable reminder that our inward journeys are the most important of all. –Curt
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Thanks Curt. I do love the outer journey, but it’s the inner journey that gets us there I think, and I know for me, anyway, the inner journey has allowed me to appreciate life and all I experience so much more.
We’re in the Troodos Mountains – visited some exquisite tiny Byzantine churches today – floored by the beauty of something created 1000 years ago.
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My inward and outward journeys are often combined, as I know yours are. Peggy and I head out on a short backpacking trip this week in a remote wilderness, which is always a sacred journey. And I get the 1000 year old bit. I have always found the ancient places of the world carry a beauty all of their own.–Curt
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HI Alison and Don – just want to say hello! Have not been blogging for months now, not sure will start again but just felt to get on WordPress and see where your bodies are hoisting their sails at the moment. Sorry about the body bug, but it seems you are contending with it well. We are back from Tiruvannamalai, also with body issues, by ay, breathe in, breathe out, mother, no mother……ONE BIG SILENT HEART….
love and shanti, kai (smallpebbles)
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Hi Kai, nice to hear from you. We are in Cyprus recovering from six months travel in South America. It’s lovely here. We’ve been here 6 weeks and in a week we head back to Vancouver for 6 months. Yeah – breathe in breathe out. Hope your body issues sort themselves out. We will be seeing several different types of healing practitioners on our return to Canada. Also hope to see Bhakti. All is well. One big silent heart, one big silent love, aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh ❤ ❤ ❤
namaste, Alison
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Alison I have had my own issues with my mother, but just today finally was feeling the ability to love her again. She seemed so harsh and distant as a mother and toward the end of her life I was totally convinced that she had never wanted me (last of 4 children.) However, coincidentally, today I was for the first time in 13 years since her passing, able to feel some tenderness toward her and understanding of her own challenges. Reading you poem this evening was especially timely. Thank you.
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We seem to have had similar experiences. I also was the unwanted last of 4 children. And I also, 12 years after my mum’s death, finally feel a tenderness and openheartedness towards her. It feels like a great achievement to have finally gotten there. Congrats to us both!
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