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#WPLongform, altruism, being good enough, Blogging, dissatisfaction, emotions, gratitude, inner healing, Jim Carrey, Maharishi University of Management, personal growth, self-esteem
From Alison: 31 May 2015 – I listened to a Jim Carrey commencement speech today. It’s long, twenty-six minutes, but the best of it starts from ten minutes in. If you don’t have time now, save it for a quiet moment and listen. It’s brilliant. It’s funny and moving and full of truth.
Three things hit me hard after watching Jim Carrey’s speech.
The first was a clarity that my life has been about what I can get. It has never been about what I can give. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been kind, and kind-hearted, and done nice things for other people, or that all of that hasn’t been genuine, but always running unconscious beneath the surface has been a kind of low-grade, and at times desperate, neediness. What does life have to offer me and how do I get it? From a feeling of inclusion, friends, support, money, love, all the way to wealth and fame – what can I get from life and how do I get it? Always fighting fighting, trying trying to get something. How do I get what I want? How do I get what I need? How do I get it – whatever it is? And most of all, how do I get beyond this rumbling undercurrent of dissatisfaction that has me always wanting something, always wanting more.
Several years ago, fed up with being dissatisfied for no reason, fed up with wanting more, the mantra arose: “What if this is enough?” I applied it over and over, day after day for months. What if this is enough? This could apply to whatever was happening in the moment, or it could apply to the bigger picture of my whole life. What if this is enough? It went on for months. The most obvious change that arose from this exercise was that spontaneously, and without thought or preamble, without even mentioning it to anyone, I quit smoking. Just like that. I was done.
Recently the same thought has been arising. What if this is enough? The clarity that spontaneously arose is that this blog has always partly been about what I can get, not about what I can give. The blog was supposed to be my way to get enough, to be enough. The raw recognition of this was heartbreaking. All about what I could get, not about what I could give. Writing this brings tears to my eyes, and a sense of shame, embarrassment, and inadequacy. I should be better than this! Should. This is not an intellectual exercise. It is felt at the deepest levels. The pain of grasping, of hoping, of trying, of doing all the things I imagined would help me get what I thought I wanted and needed.
Intellectually I know that loving is the answer, and that’s another thing I’ve been trying to do, over and over, hoping that if I could love enough I would get what I want, what I need. At the same time I’ve always felt that I was never able to love enough, that I was never good enough at loving. Why could I never feel the love that others speak of, except for a few special people, or only in certain situations, or only for brief moments?
The second thing that arose from listening to Jim Carrey was that I found myself asking a variant of the question “What if this is enough?” Suddenly I was asking what if I’m enough? Believing that I’m not has resulted in a lifetime of trying some how, some way, any way, to get to be enough. Trying to get whatever I can to prove that I’m enough.
I feel rocked to the core. It feels like a watershed moment. What if I’m enough? And what if I choose to make my life about giving instead of getting? Which inevitably led to the third thing that hit me: I have nothing to offer.
This is where I break down again. I’ve never believed I have anything of value to offer. It’s such a slap in the face to the creative force that arises within me, as me. I didn’t make me. Some Universal creative energy arose from nothing as me, and my chief response is I’m not good enough and I have nothing to offer. So here I am bleeding all over the page for a lifetime of trying to get what I can because I believe that I’m not enough, and that I have nothing to offer.
I’m reminded of how my sisters were completely shocked to hear that I didn’t think my dad loved me. He was a kind and gentle and loving man, equally to all of us. My interpretation was that he loved my mother and my three older sisters, but that he was just being nice to me because he was such a lovely kind man. I didn’t ever believe he actually loved me.
There are two reasons I choose to publish this. First and foremost is because Don and I made a commitment from the beginning to share the story of our journey as intentionally-homeless nomads, the inner journey as much as the outer, and to be completely self-revealing in doing that. Why? Because people relate to the truth. And so I offer the truth. I can at least offer that. And at the same time understand that it is also the most I can offer, the very best I can offer.
The second reason is that I don’t consider these self-esteem issues to be unique. I think many people experience, whether conscious of it or not, to some degree or another, a sense of inadequacy and a questioning of their worth to the world. I also think that the lives of most people to a greater or lesser extent are about what they can get. At the most basic level we’re all trying to get what we need to survive, and then doing what we think we need to do to get love, approval and a sense of belonging. What you’re witnessing is one ordinary human being coming to terms with the truth of the unconscious psychological energies that have been fuelling her life. The rumbling undercurrents that hold sway even when, actually, especially when, we are not conscious of them. Despite the tears and the bleeding all over the page it’s no big deal. Really. It’s what I do. In the final analysis I’m only interested in the truth. I celebrate the opening and clarity these insights bring. I relish the healing tears that come to wash away the shame and guilt and defendedness. It always inevitably leads to more inner freedom and spaciousness.
Several days later:
I have built this blog, and many other creative endeavours over the course of my life, through sheer force of will in the face of the following unconscious beliefs:
I’m not enough.
I’m not good enough.
I’m not wanted.
I’m not appreciated.
Others are not interested in me.
Others are not interested in what I have to say.
What I write is not good enough.
My photography is not good enough.
I have nothing to offer.
I am unseen and unheard.
Conscious awareness of the understanding that my life has been about what I can get, and of the belief that I have nothing to offer, is completely new. During all my many years of personal growth whenever I would become conscious of any of the beliefs listed above I would do “the work” to release the suffering associated with such belief structures, and let go of identifying with them. Each time there has been inner change and improvement, a feeling of being more grounded, and more comfortable in my skin, but never a complete freedom from them. They would slide like phantoms back into unconsciousness.
Now I find my approach is different. I’ve always found it a useful tool to deliberately practice coming to terms with the worst that could happen. So I asked myself “What if it’s true? What if it really is true that my life is about what I can get, that I’m not enough, and that I have nothing to offer the world? What if that’s true?” There’s a sadness that comes with that idea but it’s okay. These feelings too are welcome. I have long since let go of any resistance to so-called “negative” feelings. They are simply storms rolling through that leave me cleansed and refreshed. If it is true that I’m not enough and have nothing to offer what can I possibly do about it but carry on living my life? There is peace in that. A great peace. A letting go of striving, of trying, of hoping, and a settling into presence.
Several years ago someone accused me of being selfish, self-centred and self-absorbed. In the moment that she said it I knew it was true and owned it without hesitation. This seems to be another iteration of the same theme. If I can own it without judgement it has no power to hurt me. Life is what it is, and I am what I am.
Several more days later:
In the end there’s just love for it all. We all exist on so many levels at the same time. In presence I feel a great tenderness for myself, for all of us, for the whole human experience, for life. It has been infinitely freeing to discover these hidden unconscious beliefs about myself, and come to terms with them, rather than trying to change them. Infinitely freeing. And all during the time that this inner journey has been rumbling around inside me I’ve also been joyously engrossed in redesigning the blog – making it better! Not to try to be enough, no trying at all, just doing it for the love of doing it.
Two of my favourite quotes from Jim Carrey’s speech:
“My soul is not contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.”
“Risk being seen in all of your glory!”
Photo of the day: The newest generation of Canada goslings, Vancouver, Canada.
All words and images by Alison Louise Armstrong unless otherwise noted
© Alison Louise Armstrong and Adventures in Wonderland – a pilgrimage of the heart, 2010-2015.
Adventures in Wonderland 
Risk being seen in all of your glory-he personified that. He’s a good man with a good heart and great message. His spiritual journey has been a beautiful process that I’m seen tidbits of through the years. Your commentary on receiving and giving, runs very deep. In the end I’ve come to this conclusion: I am who I am and god help me I can accept that. Some moments it’s about wanting/being needy; others it’s about selfless glorious heart-filling giving. It keeps changing. Thank you for this very honest and thoughtful post. ❤
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Thanks Paulette. I was amazed by his speech in part because it was so unexpected since I’d only known of him as a comedian/actor. It is exactly the same for me actually, the back and forth between wanting/needing and being filled with love and giving. I guess in this case I really saw the the needing energy in sharp relief, in a way that I hadn’t before and it really shocked me, mainly because I was also carrying the judgement that I *should* be better than that, especially if I wanted people to like me. See it just goes round and round in circles, until you see it clearly enough to be able to get off the wheel. Slowly I come to the place you’re in – accepting myself as I am. Oh the humanity eh?
Alison
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Thank you for this beautiful and naked post. I think we can all relate to it, in parts anyway, and recognise the beliefs we hold about ourselves. There is such peace when we can see that they are just beliefs, just ‘who we take ourselves to be’ not who we really are, that our souls are infinitely more than our bodies and our conditioned ideas about who that is.
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Thank you so much Ian. I think part of what gave me the courage to post this piece is the understanding that it is just about everyone’s story to some extent or another. It’s the story of human misidentification. And yes, there is peace when we see the beliefs for what they are, simply beliefs, not who we are. Although I’ve found there is usually an emotional charge, and release, when suddenly confronted with the truth of my denial, it is ultimately freeing. This too. This too. This too. And yet I remain. And the less I judge myself for my flaws, the less I judge others.
Alison
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That is also so true, the inner judge does nobody any good 🙂
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Alison, I think every single one of us has these deep rivers running through our souls, these storms and tides of internal weather. Things that shake us to the core. Things we carefully navigate around, lest a footfall loose an earthquake. Who knows what’s really going on beneath the surface of those we meet, and think we know? We barely know ourselves — and that, only if we dare.
I appreciate you sharing your honest self-exploration, but I do find it painful to think you’ve harboured this sense of unworthiness. Actions speak louder than words, and unexpressed, unexplained feelings are the least reliable mirrors of all. So say I, anyway. Not to say they’re not powerful. They certainly are. But I think a lot of them are big, fat lies too — things our irrational fears whisper to us.
In the brief time I’ve come to know you and Don, almost exclusively through this blog, I see you through the lens of your actions and words. And, believe me, they are worthy. When you give to others, it’s okay to also give to yourself.
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Your first sentences – it is knowing this that gave me the courage to publish this piece. And I love the way you expressed it. Out walking today I had a whole other idea about how I could have written it – along the lines of explorations of the deep, lurking monsters, shining a tiny flashlight into the murky darkness of my denial. Oh well. maybe that’s for another post.
I’ve harboured a sense of unworthiness all my life. It has been the creator of much self-sabotage, but it has also been a huge motivator to find inner peace and clarity. This journey has been the true journey of my entire adult life and I’ve achieved a good deal of success. I do think that almost all of the beliefs we hold are big fat lies. When I say I’m ultimately only interested in the truth, the truth I’m interested in is discovering the unconscious lies that I’m believing and that are shaping my life. The more I discover, and bring into the light, the freer and happier I get, and the better my life becomes.
Thank you for your kind words. I believe it now more than I would have a couple of weeks ago. There is space for it to land now that was not there before. I also think that in giving to ourselves that which fills us with joy and opens our hearts is exactly that which we have to offer the world. At the same time this really does feel like some kind of watershed, as if I saw something, freed something that gives me a greater spaciousness, and a new level of self acceptance.
Alison
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WOW! I identify with every word, every stage of your journey. Including the shock and pain of facing our shadow selves. Some years ago I heard someone describe another person as being a “bottomless pit of needs and wants!” It was revelation time for me.There have been stages of new self-honesty and freedoms throughout my 78 years, but this was on a whole new level. And there are days that I still feel that way, but hardly ever do I need to act on it anymore. I can accept that I am loved by God as I am and can even live with knowing I will never totally overcome being needy, even though I know it prevents being loving. I can live with the reality that I do many kind things for others in order to meet my own need to have a purpose, but as long as I’m honest about that, they can benefit without me crossing a line and crippling them by enabling. Learning about personality types helps, because we realize that every area of strength comes with a corresponding area of weakness; each virtue has a down side. The trick is recognizing, acknowledging these to others, and minimizing the fallout as much as we can of that downside for others. It can free us to act as a team with other people with different strengths, instead of judging each other or one upping each other. And generally that happens gradually as we get more free of our need to prove that we are worthy.
I do understand how painful this self knowledge is at first, but the freedom lasts and the pain doesn’t. And your willingness to share it is pure grace for others.
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Thank you so much Eileen. It’s lovely to hear something of your journey, and the quiet acceptance you’ve reached that you may never entirely overcome neediness. I will take that in. It is only because I was judging it, and feared others judging me, that caused it to be painful. I also understand that I do many kind things because it feels good, for me. Either way it is still a kindness. And the pain of self knowledge is nothing compared to the alternative. As I said I have no fear of so-called negative emotions so I’ve found this very freeing, and at the same time view it as another step along the way. I love the journey. Thank you for showing up on it. It’s good to have you along.
Alison
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I loved this speech!
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Me too! I think he is quite brilliant. And I had no idea!
Alison
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Thank you, Alison. Love, Meg
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Thanks for your support Meg.
Love, Alison
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The ego is a magnificent beast, eh Alison, always prancing around on stage, demanding to be loved, fiercely proud, incredibly insecure, and never ever getting enough petting. Sometimes I think nothing matters, and it probably doesn’t, but then I know it matters ever so much— the incongruity and absurdity of life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It’s a path we all follow to one degree or another. My darkest moments come unbidden in the middle of the night. A couple of other thoughts. One, your blogs are gifts, magnificent gifts, whatever your motivations. And two, often our greatest contributions, whatever they are, are driven by our insecurities. –Curt
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I love your description of the ego. Chuckle. And so exactly right. I am the worst human being on Earth! I am the best human being on Earth! Different sides of exactly the same coin. I too sometimes think nothing matters. Frequently actually. Ultimately. And then there’s the here and now when it all matters so very much – whether we are honest or not, whether we are kind or not, whether we are comfortable in our own skin or not.
I appreciate that you said that it’s a path we all follow to one degree or another – it is knowing this (as well as one can know it) that gave me the courage to publish this post.
Thank you for your compliment about the blog. I can hear it now in a way I would not have been able to a couple of weeks ago. And I get it – ultimately it doesn’t matter what motivates it if it is someway adding to all that is good in the world rather than the alternative. I shall continue to do my best to see that it is.
Alison
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” I shall continue to do my best to see that it is.” I have no doubt, Alison. –Curt
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Thank you for sharing this, Alison. I particularly enjoyed the way you traced the feeling all the way through to its concluding release. You are truly great and my life would not be the same without the interactions we’ve had. I think you already blew past “needing” that, but this isn’t about trying to give what is needed or lessening pain… Just the simple and honest truth of it.
We all have no idea how brilliant we are. It is a strange aspect of the human condition to see so little of what is true and good within us. It was a cloudy day today, and I drove in the rain for several hours to a meeting, and I wondered off and on about “my” contribution. These feelings just creep in… About why suddenly (suddenly like over the past two years) I feel called to complete some writing projects. Is it selfish? I don’t think so, but where do these crazy ideas come from? Does a rose wonder if it’s okay to be beautiful? Does a star wonder if it is okay to shine? Likewise, if it’s good enough to shine? Sitting in the den of our souls with these questions and allowing them to have their say seems a good practice. Then putting them away and moving on for it’s own sake.
Loving for it’s own sake is a key theme for me these days. Not for what it might give… but just because that is the truest thing I can do… Thank you for such an honest and inspiring post!
Much Love
Michael
PS – the blog looks great!
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Thank you so much Michael. Yes, it is about the simple honest truth of it. Many years ago when I began my journey I just wanted to be happy in myself. It’s been quite some time now that being authentic, being as honest with myself, and therefore with others, as I am capable of being, has become far more important than happiness. Ultimately I’m really only interested in the truth of being.
I hear you when you say that there’s a time to sit with the questions of worthiness, of motivation, of selfishness, and then a time to put them away and move on. I can feel that sinking in as I write. Just put it all aside now and carry on with your life, with your heart’s motivation moment by moment.
If I were you I would trust those crazy voices urging you to complete those writing projects, because it may be selfish, and at the same time not remotely selfish, and those crazy voices are usually the voices of the heart aka Hafiz aka God 🙂
Much love
Alison
ps thanks re the blog. I’m very pleased to have the photographs much bigger at last.
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I think many people struggle with this feeling of “not enough.” I recognise in myself that needy, nagging feeling but can never quite grasp what for… it’s an interesting perspective for me to consider. Thank you for a thought provoking read 🙂
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Hello travellingbride2b – I just read your post about moving to Korea. Brilliant! Nothing like jumping off the deep end. I noticed it was written 5 months ago so will explore further to see how the move has been for you.
I agree that many people struggle with the idea of somehow not being enough. As Curt pointed out it can be a great motivator, but it can also be quite debilitating
I’m glad you found the post spoke to you in some way. Instead of saying “this is enough” (this being whatever is happening in the moment), I use the question “what if this is enough?” There’s no answer to it but it forces the mind to begin viewing things differently.
Alison
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Wow, what great insights! That “i’m not enough territory is so familiar to me. Haven’t explored it lately but it’s been a big one. Haven’t gotten around to exploring the “what can I get”, selfishness piece but I’m often aware of it and that my great longing is to be more full of compassion and love. Lovely post!
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Thanks Leigh. I’m not surprised that you get where I’m at, our paths have been so very similar. My great longing also is to be full of compassion and love, and even that must be surrendered. Self acceptance. Years ago Adyashanti said when you can accept yourself fully, (especially all the so-called ‘negative’ aspects) you will be free. It’s the reason I do this work. I also am sure that in complete self acceptance love arises automatically.
love
Alison
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Reblogged this on Not Just Sassy on the Inside and commented:
Besides loving the travel side of their blog — and getting to “go” places without having to bother with the pesky travel — I love the great insights and self-revelation and this post is a winner.
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Thanks for this. I’m always excited by a reblog.
Alison xoxox
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Beautifully written Alison. It is such a wonder when ‘that moment’ touches us and much of what we are is laid bare. No longer covered by those fears of ‘not good enough’ etc, to be seen for their truth.
It is a turning point, and one that begins to remove the life of what was and begin something new, something that will slowly brings smiles, for no reason, a slowing of the rush, rush of life, because it’s not needed.
A final understanding that all along the heart inside that body IS enough, is acceptable exactly as it now is, and a very beautiful part of something that you always will be. Welcome home!
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Thank you so much Mark. I love these moments, when the clarity is so great that I know I’ll not be the same, that more of the ‘darkness’ has been brought into the light, and yes it feels like a homecoming, though not any kind of end to the journey. I do have that understanding that the heart is enough, have long had it. It seems the process is about clearing out all the submerged phantoms that prevent me from living it always. Recognition of this piece feels outrageously freeing now.
Thank you for your support.
Alison
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Hello Alison, thank you so much for sharing this intimate part of you. And for the magnificent Jim Carrey video. I’m deep in thoughtfulness and will just ponder it all for a while. I’m sure you won’t mind that I’ve shared this post with some people very dear to me. This is worthy of greater discussion. Warm regards, Sue.
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Thank you so much Sue. I’m happy I got you pondering, and delighted that you felt to share it with others. I hope it leads to many valuable discussions.
Alison ❤
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“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome.” (Hope Floats) Or maybe, Alison, it’s a starting point, as your reflections suggest. I believe you have us all pondering. Nothing like a good ponder…
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Thanks Pam. I do feel that I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to overcome my childhood, but yeah, it has been a great motivator! My parents were both very good people and would probably be heartbroken to hear me say that. I think of it more now as that we were just not a good match. And at the same time we were the very best match if I was to be motivated to spend my adult life on a search for the truth. So in that sense it was an excellent starting point. Happy pondering 🙂
Alison
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Thank you for sharing your truths way out on your limb, here and in all of your Nomadic Life segments. I have to say I was relieved to read this near the end: “…In presence I feel a great tenderness for myself”. Kind of an all’s-well-that-ends-well for the post.
The exploration of Self and all its layers/depths can be good, yet I know that you know that life is all about right now and right here, both within and externally. As they say on the TV show Whose Line Is It Anyway — “it’s all made up and the points don’t count.” Haha, sorry about the mundane source but that phrase is such a useful reminder in so many moments, a reminder similar to what what you said in reply to Michael above, “… time to put [the questions] away and move on”.
In another reply you said, “I also am sure that in complete self acceptance love arises automatically.” I suggest it also works in reverse: In love, complete self acceptance arises automatically.
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I guess I’ll just repeat what I said to Silk: When I say I’m ultimately only interested in the truth, the truth I’m interested in is discovering the unconscious lies that I’m believing and that are shaping my life. The more of them that I discover, and bring into the light, the freer and happier I get, and the better my life becomes.
Alison
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Life is a quest, isn’t it? My very best wishes to you, Allison. Many of us are right alongside you.
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It certainly is! Thanks so much for your support Susan, it means a lot.
Alison
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More than a travel blog, for sure. 🙂 While I recognise much of what you’re saying, Alison (I’m sorry- I don’t have the time to listen to Jim Carrey) I can’t help but wonder where the feelings of not being loved and not being good enough come from? The selfishness, yes- I can testify to having a huge dose of that myself. And I know also that I’m not very lovable, though I might put on a good and sympathetic ‘face’. Being present is sometimes a tall order. I wish you well on the journey and am glad that you have a loving partner alongside. 🙂
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Thanks so much Jo. I too have wondered where the feelings of not being loved, and not being good enough come from. Oh it would be easy to explain it away by the circumstances of my birth – the fourth child to parents who only wanted two and the fourth girl on top of that, born to a mother who already had too much on her plate, more than she could cope with, and of course never enough money.
At the same time I don’t believe it’s that simple, for me anyway. I believe there is more to us than this reality, in past lives, in prior connections with family-of-origin. It’s like we’re all doing a dance to discover the truth, changing roles as need be.
The circumstances of my birth became a huge motivator for personal growth for me. It’s been an extraordinary and rich journey so far. As for the selfishness I think we all have it to some extent and one of the most precious things we can learn is that it’s actually more fulfilling to give than receive. The best I can say is that I have my moments, which is better than I used to be.
I give thanks for Don everyday. With Don, finally, for the first time I learned to let love in. I always could love. Too much, and often too needy, but I could never let myself be loved. We were a good match. Don learned how to love, and I learned how to let myself be loved. How lucky we are.
I agree being present is a tall order. I have my moments 🙂 and I’m better at it than I used to be.
I too wish you well on your journey.
Thanks for sharing
Alison
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Thank you so much for the explanation. A little perspective does help but I can’t help but agree with you. We’re a funny old mix. 🙂 🙂 Sending hugs to you both.
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I really loved your transparency and authenticity in this post. To see the process you went through. I think we all wonder if we are enough, what do we have to offer the world and may feel small or inadequate. You are uniquely YOU. No one else can be you better than you. You do have a purpose and message. You said something that many people never realize…what can I give? What do I have to offer? Unfortunately today, there is so much greed and many do not want to give, only take. Take a moment to celebrate that you are the only you here.
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Thank you so much for your support. I do know I have something to offer. I think I even knew it before this whole process, but I guess I needed to go through this to get the old patterns cleared out. That early childhood conditioning sure can be sticky! Also I don’t want to focus on what I can offer and have it become some big ego thing. As long as I’m coming from the heart I’ll be okay. So I’ll take a moment to celebrate. But only a moment 🙂
Alison
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“I’ve never believed I have anything of value to offer.” Look above at all the comments. Clearly you are offering something of great value to many people! But I hear you because I have the same voices in my head–the voice of the ego, the voice of fear, as Jim Carey says. My voice says I have to accomplish something great–it’s not enough to just be a nice person. Yet it also says (what if) you’re not good enough to achieve this greatness? Begone voice!
The ego is indeed insatiable. I must confess blogging is in part a way of reaching out beyond the circle of people you are close to, who insist you’re good enough, to try to find EVEN MORE people who will approve of you, like you, tell you you’re talented. Will I feel it’s enough if I have 1,000 followers, 5,000? Are they really followers? Do they actually read the posts? Why don’t they comment? Are they really qualified to tell me I’m a good writer? Will I ever be as good as Paul Theroux or Pico Iyer? If I’m a good writer, why haven’t I been discovered? It’s gets uglier and uglier!
Why should I give a shit? Shouldn’t the pleasure of writing and connecting be enough? Most of the time it is, I guess, since I’m a happy person. I like his suggestion to listen to and follow love, not fear. A good thing to remember.
Thank you for your honesty. I hope we get to meet someday. I’m heading back to the states in a week–my one year odyssey almost at an end, though I won’t be returning home for a couple more months. I’ll be in the NE in case you’re heading that way. Then back to Florida. Please know that you have a place to stay if you’d ever like to come check out the lovely springs of north Florida.
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Oh Jane I do know those kinds of voices, and yes the ego is indeed insatiable, nothing is ever enough. For me too the pleasure of writing/photography/connecting is mostly enough, and I too am a happy person, so I was pretty stunned by my reaction to Jim Carrey’s speech. It was shocking and unexpected, and in the end exactly what I needed to hear to clear out some of those old egoic brain grooves. I feel differently now, or at least I have another barometer to turn too when the ego voices present themselves. I love his suggestion to follow love not fear – I’ve been working on that one for a while now. Bit by bit it gets easier. This was just another bit that was in the way.
Thank you so much for your honesty, and for your support. I also hope we get to meet one day though neither NE nor Florida are in our plans at the moment. I could be tempted by Florida 🙂
Alison
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Beautiful, beautiful Alison, you are enough. You are a Light.
Thank you for sharing the video. Thank you for sharing your fears. Thank you for exposing your vulnerability.
Namaste.
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Thank you Kelly. Thank you for your support and your kindness. I knew you’d understand. The fears have diminished, which is the whole point of the journey eh?
Namaste
Alison
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Beautifully expressed and provocative post Alison, with an unwavering commitment to the truth.
You are certainly not alone in feeling that you are not enough and don’t have enough. These are two fundamental fears shared by so many of us in modern society. I think it is somewhat related to individualism/capitalism/competition. Somewhere all the line so many of us learn to doubt ourselves and the way the world works batters at our self-esteem.
I have been grappling with the reality that I actually don’t have enough financially to anticipate any type of retirement before the age of 70. And, I have conversations with other people who are in the same situation. This leads me to get extremely depressed to be honest. The last conversation of that type I had with a friend (who is worried about being destitute at 90) spiraled me into a depression that lasted for several months!
So what to do? I have to remind myself that a day spent depressed and anxious is a day lost, and then I’m just another day older, and no richer, and I’ve lost the day.
I constantly have to get back into seizing the moment. Having a dog makes that so much easier, as dogs are such happy in-the-moment creatures.
In the moment, I am enough and have enough. As to material circumstances, they can change or be changed.
Then there is letting go of things I cannot control and placing some trust in the universe. And I reflect on what you’ve posted before about mind stories. There is the mind story, and then there is the reality.
Life is too precious, especially as we age. Gotta keep on living and finding joy and beauty in life! And having health is a blessing that money often can’t buy.
As to giving rather than getting, that’s a hard way to live in a society that is materialistic, consumption-oriented, and requires people to focus on money and acquisition. And not to focus on money and acquisition often leads people into untenable circumstances, that’s the catch.
Saying all of this brings to mind a homeless man I know who lives in my area – Alan. He is about 60 and camps out behind one of the big box stores in a tent and from his point of view, is well-set up with all the things he needs (food cooker, warm blankets, lots of ramen, etc.). He begs at the liquor store and the gas station and is generally a relaxed, happy man with a very sunny disposition. He says he likes his life because he has no stress!
Here is someone who seemingly has no fear of not being enough or having enough, without a home and without knowing if he’ll get enough bottles and cash for dinner tomorrow!
I give him some spare change, and he gives me happiness in return, as well as a reminder that we always have the choice as to how we frame our lives and circumstances.
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Thanks for your thoughtful comment Gayle. I do agree that the way the world seems to work batters our self esteem. We’re constantly bombarded with messages of how we *should* be in order to be happy and/or deemed successful. And by implication that you’re “not good enough” if you don’t live up to the hype.
And the whole money thing makes it worse. Don was in your situation and managed to retire at 68 only because we had a condo to sell. There are I think millions in a much worse situation.
I love this way you have of dealing with it: “I have to remind myself that a day spent depressed and anxious is a day lost, and then I’m just another day older, and no richer, and I’ve lost the day.” It’s challenging I know, but we too constantly practice coming back to the now because it’s all we have and all the worry in the world isn’t going to change anything. On the contrary it’s actually counter-productive.
You’re right – life is too precious. We must make the most of what we have now.
Part of my problem with the getting/giving issue was that I was caught up in the belief that in order to be a “good” person my life *should* be about what I can give not what I can get. It’s a universally held truism I think that “it’s better to give than receive”, implying that you’re a better person if you do, and I was judging myself harshly for not being giving enough. It’s the belief and the judgement that’s so crippling.
I love the story of the homeless man who lives near you. I guess he’s got something figured out. It is a good reminder about how we frame our lives and circumstances. In our travels we’ve certainly encountered many people with far less than us who live contented lives.
Looking forward to seeing you Friday!
Alison
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Amidst my unpacking from Israel and Jordan (and no fewer than five house and car calamities that befell us the day after our return), I have left this complicated post for a few days to stew on. I feel so many of these emotions at times, and Gayle’s and your comments immediately above pretty much summarize my take on WHY so many of us feel this way in our modern world. Over the years, I’ve been moderately successful at using an internal switch to break out of drowning in self-judgment and criticism and feelings of inadequacy. There are certainly days when I get stuck under the weight of these feelings, but I’ve been lucky to find or simply stumble upon a way to thrash my way back to the surface again. Strangely, or perhaps because I always find my way back, I still think of myself as an eternal optimist!
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Oh I so relate to what you’ve said. I too have learned ways to get myself out of the holes, and actually don’t fall into many these days. And I too absolutely think of myself as an optimist. Very much so. I don’t mind the holes if they give me greater clarity into the ways I’m holding myself back, as in the case above. Once I can see clearly what unconscious nonsense I’m believing I start to get free of it.
Alison
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PS Looking forward to your Jordan posts. We’re trip planning right now and may do a G Adventures tour in Jordan, and a 2 week Nile cruise in Egypt. In Turkey we’ll make our own way around as we usually do but for Jordan and Egypt it seems like a lovely idea to just hand it all over to someone else to do all the planning and take care of all the details.
Alison
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Based on our experience, that might be a good idea. You CAN do many things on your own (we did), but Jordan is really not set up for tourism the way many other places are. It’s also very, very light on tourists right now. People are nervous about Syria, which is really not necessary unless you will be in the far north. It seemed very safe, but just not easy, if you know what I mean.
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Maybe this is simplistic, but years ago someone said to me, “Everyday, I look in the mirror and I say to myself, ‘I am a good, decent, bright, bold, beautiful, kind and loving person, and anyone should be happy to know me'”. She told me that I should do the same. I blushed at the thought of it. I tried it a few times, thought it was silly, and forgot about it. Then I remembered it again, and started doing it everyday. It felt absurd. But as the weeks went by it got easier, and after a few months, it started to feel real. I started to actually believe it. I continue to do this every time I am too hard on myself, and it changes everything. It makes me happy. It makes me content. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel good enough.
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Oh I think this is a fabulous idea! My self talk has greatly improved over the years, but I think this would take it to a whole new level. Thanks Shirley! Honestly I have never thought of actually doing something like this. I also feel it has come at a time when I’ve finally cleared out enough of the demons of the past to make it stick.
Alison
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I have been sitting on my reply to this for days. I still have not read the other comments, but I’ve read the post over and over again. I don’t know the right words to say, but I wish I did. All I know is that you are brave, and a role model of mine, and beautiful, and loving. You have played such an utterly necessary role in my life that I don’t even have words for it. I cannot say I am *alive* because of you, but I am alive in the way I want to be because of you. And to me, right now, where I am… that means more.
Thank you, and my wish for you will be that you see yourself as I see you– even if you just get a blink of that vision. *hugs*
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Thank you. It’s that simple. Thank you. You have not tried to fix me. I don’t need fixing so I appreciate that a lot. Also since I wrote that post things have shifted inside, there’s a greater spaciousness, and a greater freedom and so I am able to hear your kind and heartfelt words about the way I have affected you. I am almost moved to tears to think some simple things I have done are of value to someone I have never met. In the end it’s what I care about most I think – the way we all can help each other, kindness, filling the world with whatever positive energy and love we can muster. I do sometimes get the glimpse that I’m a good person. It’s all grace. Aren’t we lucky?!
hugs and love
Alison
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Oh, I’ve missed a lot by being ‘unplugged’ most of the time. That, of course, has amazing rewards, mainly being in touch with nature on a very intense and personal level. But I miss posts like these.
I too am the caboose of four girls in my family. My oldest sister is 16 years older than I, and though I was raised in a very loving family, I basically ‘raised’ myself. The baby often fits where needed, and for me, I bolted to the solace and quiet of nature whenever there was friction between the older siblings. I am very grateful now for how my early years prepped me for my later ones.
I’ll be ‘in town’ for another day and then back off the grid, but it’s been great catching up.. and your post from today rates sky high on my list of all-time favorites. Lisa/Z
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Thanks Lisa. My childhood as a shy sensitive being in a loud exuberant family left me feeling no-one was really interested in me at all. Writing this piece, feeling the feelings, has been enormously freeing, and these days I find I’m more easily full of love. I agree, the baby of the family fits where needed. It’s certainly what I did. I bolted to the solace of solitude whenever there was friction, hiding in my own fantasy world. I also am grateful. I would not be who am today without that early experience, and I’m finally able to feel softly towards my mum who was just doing her volatile best. Somehow we all get through to a better place eh? Somehow someday it all seems to make sense.
Alison
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Yes, I think we learn to be invisible/non obtrusive — at least the sensitive ones do.. or does our placement play a part in forming a sensitive person? which comes first? Ha, as a friend once said, if you’re looking back, you can’t see where you’re going.’ For me it’s full throttle, and I’m proud to have an almost-always smile in my heart.
You both touch many with your writings. Thanks for being you!
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your travels are amazing….always makes we want to just fly away….
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Thanks Hedy. We are very blessed. I hope you get to fly away one day. In the mean time I get to enjoy your unique and beautiful photography for which I thank you.
Alison ❤
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Humble thanks Alison…I do love my camera ☺️
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