South America was a key. Things changed during that trip. It was during that journey that we greatly expanded our limits on spending, and started to afford things simply by affording them, simply by saying yes. South America generally was more expensive than India and Southeast Asia and initially that was a bit of a shock, but we came to accept the reality of it fairly quickly. Besides where would we go? We weren’t about to fly back to India because it’s cheaper there. Then various adventure possibilities came to our attention that were significantly more expensive than we normally would have entertained. The two most striking examples were the three-day overland journey through Bolivia, and the eight-day cruise around the Galapagos Islands. We just kind of shrugged and paid what we needed to pay. There was no point in even thinking about the money because we knew we were going to do these tours anyway. In this way we challenged our beliefs about money, and our beliefs about deserving such a rich life.
Those of you who have been following the blog for a while know something of our story: that three years ago we sold our car and home and its contents, and became nomads, travelling all over the world. The more we travelled the braver we got and the less concerned we became about simply doing whatever was offered, and we felt totally supported by The Mystery. We were fit and well, apart from occasional episodes of food poisoning and a few trips and falls along the way, and even then, we were always guided to good-quality medical care that was both timely and inexpensive.
One of the great metaphysical teachers of our time, Louise Hay says: “Guilt always seeks punishment and leads to pain.” It seems we have both been in quite a bit of pain for long time now. We’ve been trying to discover the deeper causes of all our illnesses and accidents. Looking at each other going What?! What?! Why is this happening? What is it really about? Suddenly the memory of Louise Hay’s teaching arose – that pain can signal some kind of self-punishment.
It seems that we have morphed into a life that is bigger and better than anything we ever thought or believed we deserved, or was possible, or could have imagined, and it appears that we reached the point when our old unconscious beliefs about our lack of worthiness kicked in, and kicked our legs out from under us. These underlying beliefs seemed to include: it can’t go on forever being this good, it’s too good to be true and I don’t deserve this, I’m not good enough. According to our unconscious belief systems and our unconscious perception of our place in the world, we got too big for our boots.
Too big for our boots. Such an apt expression. We have grown so very much through this nomadic journey. Our conscious perception of ourselves, our place in the world, what we can have, and what we can do and achieve is much expanded. Many fears, most fears, have subsided or disappeared. We are braver, and more trusting. We have grown. The boots of our old unconscious beliefs about worthiness are getting so tight, so small, that they have been preventing us from moving forward. The boots are so tight and so uncomfortable that the pain has radiated up the body – broken ankle, herniated disc, Alison with sore stiff hips, both of us with sore stiff necks, plus a few parasites and viruses to bring down the normal energy levels. We are too big now for these old boots. Time stop living the life of world nomads, or find bigger boots beliefs giving us the freedom to move forward without pain.
After some deep reflection we realized that the more or less continuous illnesses and injuries we’ve had over the past six months mirror back to us an unconscious need to punish ourselves for living a better life than we believed we deserved, and to stop us from continuing to lead this incredible life we’ve enjoyed for the past three years. The illnesses and injuries were both a way to punish ourselves, and a way to bring this extraordinary life to an end. Unconsciously we felt we had to bring an end to it because it was too much fun, too fabulous, and too far out of the box of our limiting beliefs.
We understand that this life is not for everyone, and that to some it might not be considered all that special, but for us it feels like a miracle: that our lives have come to this! We never could have imagined that it could be this good, this rich, this extraordinary. We have been gifted with an extraordinary life and have unconsciously felt guilty about having “more than we deserved”, and probably both believed that all we deserved, and that all we were allowed, was a life that was small and ordinary: a small rented apartment in the suburbs, an ordinary retirement, and a (hopefully) gracious decline into old age and death.
So now there’s room for true healing to take place: a healing both of the limiting beliefs, and of the bodies. How do we allow our life to be bigger? How do we move beyond the unconscious limiting beliefs? Any unconscious limiting beliefs. That’s what we’re looking at. If we don’t even believe we are worthy of this life, let alone a bigger life, if we don’t believe we deserve it, then we will continue to self-sabotage one way or another. The current way seems to have been through illness and injury. Since we recognized this we have both experienced improvement physically, though neither of us are as fit and healthy as we were before we went to South America.
With time we expect a complete recovery. The simple recognition of the underlying cause of our distress is a significant first step towards healing. We are both facing head-on the internal limitations and their accompanying painful emotions. It is so much more beneficial to connect with and then release the emotional pain of feeling unworthy, undeserving, and guilty of having more than we think we deserve, than to have it ever-present as physical pain. Slowly step-by-step we move through. If we don’t face, heal and evolve beyond these limiting beliefs all we can look forward to is more of the same. Our trust is such that by the time we are ready to leave for Australia and our next adventure, at the end of November, we expect to be fully recovered, both physically and emotionally, believing that we are worthy of the life we have, and the journeys and joys that await us in the future.
====================
Postscript: Don has seen both a neurologist and a neurosurgeon. He doesn’t need surgery. His hip is now largely pain free though he is still quite limited in how much he can do. The prognosis is 80% healed in two months, and 100% in about four. Things are not nearly as bad as we first thought they were, and our belief in bodies being self-healing mechanisms is both fortified and challenged.
Photo of the day: On the back deck
All words and images by Alison Louise Armstrong unless otherwise noted
© Alison Louise Armstrong and Adventures in Wonderland – a pilgrimage of the heart, 2010-2015.
That’s quite profound discovery / realization. Wish you a speedy recovery and back to your amazing journey. Sometimes I wonder why we have to pay a price to gain insights / personal growth, and whether the insights we gain worth the price we paid. But the exploration of the physical world is to have a chance to expend our minds, right? You are an inspiration for many, for that alone, you deserve all the positive magnificent experience the world has to offer. I’m rooting for you!
LikeLike
Thank you Genete. I always think the insights are worth the price we’ve had to pay because it leads to greater inner freedom and peace. And honestly, the greatest passion in my life is this inner exploration and pursuit of truth.
Alison
LikeLike
At first read, I thought, “So how do they know that particular realization is the right one to work on?” Isn’t it awesome that, after devoting time to introspection and listening to “the Mystery” as you call it, we can arrive at a solution/reason for, or recognition of, one of our limiting beliefs, and instantly we know that’s the one we need to look at right now in order to heal stuff.
You guys are so good at living this “way”, trusting instinct, trusting process, peeling back the layers ever and always. And so honest in your writings about it. It’s always most interesting to me to follow your self-investigation nomadic travels. Thanks!
LikeLike
Thanks Kate. It is kind of miraculous, and at the same time just totally organic – what needs to be looked at is the one that rises to the surface. And they continue to rise, and we continue to challenge them with alternate, more freeing, views.
Alison
xo
LikeLike
I hope you heal well my friends~
LikeLike
Thanks Cindy. Things are definitely improving.
Alison
LikeLike
Love your comment that your lives are “bigger and better than anything we ever thought or believed we deserved, or was possible, or could have imagined…” That has been our sense of traveling as a lifestyle, too, as opportunities and adventures seem to continuously present themselves. Stay well and on the road to recuperation and good health and keep your belief that the world has so many wonderful experiences out there that you truly deserve to enjoy! Anita
LikeLike
I’m not surprised you relate to the amazing experience of travelling as a lifestyle, that it’s bigger and better than ever could have been imagined.
Thanks for your healing wishes. We are well on the road to recovery. Just the discovery of the underlying limitations has been incredibly freeing.
Alison
LikeLike
The mind isn’t the only factor in our health but it is a powerful force, which has been shown over and over. Another adventure is always an incentive to get well. 🙂 –Curt
LikeLike
Ah yes, the mind is indeed a powerful force. We already feel more free, and physically stronger and healthier just for having seen the mind’s stories in the light. And yes, looking forward to the next adventure – a couple of Pacific Islands, family Christmas in Oz, NZ, and Taiwan. Have to be well for all that!
Alison
LikeLike
I’ve never been to Taiwan. That should be interesting. And of course New Zealand and Australia are always a delight. I am thinking about heading out for a three week tour of the northwest coast from Portland to Monterrey on Sunday while Peggy is in Alaska helping out with the Grandkids. After that we are going to Sedona, Arizona. We will be in Tennessee for Xmas. –C
LikeLike
I suppose you’re gonna hike from Portland to Monterrey 🙂 jk
That sound like a great trip, beautiful area, and Sedona fabulous apparently. One day I’ll get there. Don’s been and loved it.
A
LikeLike
I would love the hike. 🙂 There was a time I ran what was called the North Coast Ramble where I would take people for week long walks along the coast. As for Sedona, Peggy and I have been there before and are eager to return. –Curt
LikeLike
You’re going to a very deep place for healing. A powerful place. Where all is possible. You certainly have my hopes for that. Always wishing you well and holding you both in my heart. ❤
LikeLike
Thanks Paulette. Yes, we’re going very deep, and already experiencing the benefits. It’s the only way we know how to do it, I suppose, because all our adult lives we’ve been drawn by the spiritual and the metaphysical so automatically look at everything from that perspective.
Don walked for 2 km today with no pain! And my hips hardly hurt at all. Wonderful progress.
Alison ❤
xox
LikeLike
Excellent progress. A reward of magnitude from your miraculous bodies. Very happy to hear this. And as to the metaphysical, Terry & I are pretty much on the same boat with ya’ll. Not anything “we” did just our inclination. And now in our getting older years, it’s a big help. ❤
LikeLike
love your blogs … always insightful and interesting…keep up the good work pilgrims..wherever your travels take you..to the top of a mountain or to a doctors office…..eva
LikeLike
Thanks Eva. Oh I like being called pilgrims! 🙂
There’s been plenty of doctor’s offices. Soon it will be time to start climbing mountains again!
Will we see you tomorrow?
Alison
xo
LikeLike
This so resonates for me. I’ve been aware for a long time that I’m a huge energy who has tried to be small –and that I believe on some level that I don’t deserve to live a big life.
Great insights on that subject!
LikeLike
Thanks Leigh, glad it resonates, and I hope it helps you expand a bit into that huge space. I learned very young to stay small in the hopes of staying safe, and that I didn’t deserve more than that. Slowly slowly we overcome the old patterns eh?
Alison ❤
xo
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Not Just Sassy on the Inside and commented:
This issue is SO familiar to me — and, as always, Alison and Don have such great insight.
LikeLike
Thank you so much for the reblog.
xox
LikeLike
Thanks, Don and Alison. I connect to this so much. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing, Don. and from this it seems you are getting better all the time.
LikeLike
I think probably many people connect with this. I suspect most people keep their lives small, for a variety of reasons, and when you step out of that space it’s a bit of a shock, and definitely challenging to the old way of being. I’m amazed it took three years before we had to face this.
We are both getting better and better, definitely on the mend.
Hope you are well too.
Alison
xox
LikeLike
I much enjoyed this piece, and hearing about your inner journeys of discovery. It struck me that your movement in thinking and intuiting is flowing from the specific to the abstract, which strikes me as the more powerful domain, and if that makes absolutely no sense I’ll try and explain.
In A Course in Miracles there is some text about the fact that the mind is naturally abstract, while the ego’s thinking tends to be highly specific, and what I eventually took away from that was that we’re always looking for proximate solutions to our seeming difficulties. As an example, we might think, “Everything is fine, except my hip won’t work. I need to figure out how to fix my hip.” Whereas I’ve come to understand that thinking abstractly means we see straight to the fundamental issue of separateness, and it’s attending guilt, anxiety, worthlessness, etc., regardless of how it specifically manifests.
I felt in reading this and trying to understand what lived inside your words that it would be hard to avoid contrasting your lives as you have been experiencing them, with others who you may perceive as not having things as good. If such a perceived distinction is present, it strikes me that the resulting contrast would inevitably forge an unconscious wedge of separation, and lead to guilt and inner conflict.
I’m simply suggesting the sensation of guilt and unworthiness could in part derive from an “old” value judgment about the lives you have discovered as compared to the lives you once had, or see others as still having. Which is all to say: if you see suffering in others still, but not in yourselves, or if you see yourselves in a place others are not, then it seems these feelings would arise.
It is, of course, a false premise. All beings are precisely where and as they desire to be, enjoying lives of unforeseen brilliance and grace… 🙂 So please continue post haste! And if I’m way off in this effort to be helpful, I apologize.
Michael
LikeLike
Thanks Michael for your thoughtful reply. I like the way you put it – the thinking and intuiting flowing from the specific to the abstract. We are always looking for the reason behind any kind of dis-ease – to me a cigar is never just a cigar. It’s *all* symbolic, and all a hologram, and all One. There’s always a ‘story’ to delve into, always a way to discover the whys and wherefores that create the painful sense of apparent separation, and then by clear seeing end them.
The guilt and punishment doesn’t arise from comparison to the lives of others. Actually neither of us is that much in touch with the feeling of guilt (Don is more than me I think), but we’re both very clear about the idea of, and the fear of, punishment arising in our early childhoods. Under different circumstances, and for different reasons we both learned very young that it is better to stay quiet and small. Some kind of punishment would surely follow if we did not. Of course the message of punishment is “you’re bad” and therefore undeserving. In the decision to radically change our lifestyle and become nomadic, and the ensuing years of the success and joy of that, we have stepped way beyond the place in life we learned as children and it’s taken three years to finally catch up with us. It feels so freeing to be moving beyond it.
Alison
LikeLike
Those are interesting insights and conclusions that you have discovered. Limiting beliefs …… we all carry some around, and the light of awareness always shows them for what they are: just thoughts.
I do want to play a little bit the devil’s advocate, though, if you don’t mind 🙂
Could it not also be that the pain does not need to be perceived as a punishment, but as an urgent invitation to find a more gentle and physically less demanding way of being nomads? You could still live your lives the “Big Boot Way”…… the sky could still be the limit …… but without pushing yourselves so hard that in the end your bodies are telling you “enough already” ……
Of course, your own conclusions are the ones that really count and will help you the most in shaping your further journeys, and I send you my best wishes in pursuing your goals and fulfilling your dreams.
Tanya
LikeLike
Thanks for your comment Tanya. I like your expression the “Big Boot Way” 🙂
We don’t feel the need to slow down any more than we already do. We’ve always taken breaks when needed – 2 weeks in Mendoza, 4 months in a village in Mexico, 2 weeks at a resort in Thailand, 2 months in Cyprus, and now 6 months in Vancouver. All these times we largely stopped all the ‘traveller/tourist’ activity and just lived as normal a life as we could – usually being quite lazy 🙂
Okay – our concession to having travel be physically less demanding – we decided we are no longer going to carry our 8-10kg backpacks around airports but get very small rollies instead.
Alison ❤
xo
LikeLike
I can very much relate to this post. I, too, have sabotaged all the wonderful things that have come my way. Not valuing myself has blocked the manifestation of the blessings. When they did, not believing that I am worthy and deserving of them made me quickly throw them all away!
Thank you for this lovely post and powerful insights! Blessed be.
❤ ❤ ❤ NadineMarie ❤ ❤ ❤
LikeLike
Hello Nadine, welcome, and thank you for posting. I so relate to what you’ve written. It has been (and no doubt continues to be) a process of gradual expansion. I too at one time blocked blessings, or threw them away when I was given them. Now I see things more clearly, and suspect you do too having had a look at your blog.
More and more I understand the saying that it’s not the destination, but the journey that matters. The learning along the way is the blessing and the enrichment.
Alison ❤
xox
LikeLike
A timely post for us as we embark on an adventure that often seem too big for us. Also experiencing some pain, now I know why. My belief is to forge ahead anyway. And forge ahead we will. Thanks!
LikeLike
Good luck on your new adventure! I hope it is as wonderful as you imagine and then some, and that your forging ahead brings great rewards.
Alison ❤
LikeLike
This is such a serendipitous post for me. Thank you. We come back from a vacation that wasn’t at all like we had planned due to “circumstances”, and it revolved around not feeling worthy of better. We went for the better, and I agonized over it for a few days, and then came to the realization that we deserved the better, and it all turned out very well. It’s amazing what we think we deserve can do to the outcomes in our lives.
LikeLike
Worthiness is such a core issue. For most of us I think. It was probably a good thing you had the earlier vacation so you could get to see what was really going on. And then went for better! It’s so freeing when we can see the issues and move into a different space eh?! I bet after the agonizing that vacation turned out to be worth it in every way.
Alison
LikeLike
Good to hear that Don is getting better. Anna and I are looking forward to your coming. 🙂
LikeLike
Yes! He is getting better! Me too. We do feel like we are finally on the road to recovery. We have a travel agent looking into our complex flight requirements to get to Australia, NZ, and then up to Taiwan.We’ll hear back from her in a few days.
Looking forward to seeing you both, and Taiwan. (We want to go to some really out-of-the-way, unknown places 🙂
Alison
LikeLike
Magnificent! I am so happy for you now that you are on the path of recovery and renewal. I am continually inspired by these insights and reflections. We all struggle with growth and belies in life. Thank you!
LikeLike
Thanks Jun. What a discovery it was for us. And so freeing. I agree, we all struggle with growth, and unconscious limiting beliefs, or even conscious beliefs, though I do find that once I can see clearly the beliefs are that are limiting me it’s often the first step leading to change. It’s such a journey isn’t it?This life thing.
Alison
LikeLike
Blessings to you in recovery.
With heart,
Dani
P.S. Brilliant image 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks so much Dani. It feels like it’s been a bit of a long slow battle, but we’re on the road to recovery now. Thanks for your blessings. Same back to you!
Alison ❤
LikeLike
Wow I can so identify with this observation – since the loss of my husband almost 4 years ago I have gradually become extraordinarily happy and content – more so than at any other time in my life. My tendency at first, when happiness began to happen, was to keep looking over my shoulders to see what was coming to blind-side me. But the happiness continues and grows….I feel no guilt, no paranoia, no regrets about how my life has played out. Prior to his death I saw a therapist who opened my eyes to the reality of the his situation and taught me to accept whatever happened – to just decide to walk through it – no matter what – to trust my instincts and to do the best I could do every single 24/7 under the circumstances I had to work with. And that is pretty much what cleared my mind. My husband died shortly after I accepted my challenge completely, and when he died I felt fortunate and relieved that he was no longer suffering, but I also felt contentment – I had no guilt about anything – confident that I had done the best that I possibly could. And in the next year my circumstances continued to change so much for the better that I was at first distrustful of it…..
However, I had faith that I was meant to be happy and here I am today in a place of peace and joy that I have not ever experienced before in my life. I believe in my heart that I deserve it.
LikeLike
I’m so happy for you Jo Ann. How wise you were/are. And what a journey to experience. I think many of us are taught to be looking over our shoulder when things are “too” good. I can be happy? I can have happiness? I can have a happy and rich and fulfilling life? For many of it’s a bit of a shock I think. How lovely to hear your story – the story of someone who moved beyond the old way of being. I feel we are well on the way to a deeper acceptance and understanding that our lives can be absolutely as rich and as happy and as rewarding as we allow. No more of this “I don’t deserve” nonsense!
Alison
LikeLike
I think it is helpful to see our lives in chapters; one closes and another begins….each new one built upon the previous ones but often totally different.
Actually I think I’ll write a blog about that!
I really want to meet you guys some day – but my plans for a trip to Whidbey have been placed on hold for a very weird reason which I will email you about….
LikeLike
Wow wow wow! Such juicy stuff here! Our beliefs are so powerful, and it’s so exciting when we realize how they are holding us back. I love to hear that you have become aware and are rewriting your stories. Good for you!!!
And good for us that you are sharing it with us!
LikeLike
Thanks Kelly. Yes! Rewriting the story! As you say it’s powerful and exciting – as you well know from your own experience.
It’s a process though. Every day, every moment, we practice awareness of the old stories trying to reassert their sovereignty. And with every awareness we get to choose something different.
Alison
LikeLike
As always, you two really inspire me (and many others, obviously)! Everything in life is better, I think, when we learn to listen to ourselves – mind, body and soul. If I have a faith, one of its tenets is that we’re born with a built-in compass to guide us. In a world of external distractions, it’s the quiet voice inside that we often don’t hear. I love that you’re choosing your “big life” and making it happen. Go with the flow and be well!
LikeLike
I so agree we are born with a built-in compass, it’s the listening to it that can be tricky. After a lifetime of practice Don and I are pretty good at it now, but still need the occasional whack to the head (obviously) to get how we’re self-sabotaging.
Yes! We’re choosing the “big life” 🙂 (whatever that is) but no more staying “small” or self-sabotage because we think we don’t deserve.
Alison
LikeLike
Yes, yes, YES! This resonated with me on so many deeply fantastic levels! The fact that you have realized this with such precision and openness is a truly inspiring experience when reading.
I feel this often – Too big for my boots – and in much the same way I know it’s deeply embedded in a guilt-ridden belief that I’m not worthy of this, or that others won’t accept me for it.
This gives me a lot of gusto to face it, feel it, heal it and then begin living my life without apologizing.
I love the quote from Louise Hayes, she’s a wise one.
I wanted to share this quote with you both from David Whyte, it seems fitting for this theme, and each of his words hits a heart string of pure truth.
“When your eyes are tired the world is tired also. When your vision has gone no part of the world can find you. Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own. There you can be sure you are not beyond love. The dark will be your womb tonight. The night will give you a horizon further than you can see. You must learn one thing. The world was made to be free in. Give up on all other worlds except the one to which you belong. Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you. ”
I have no doubt that you’ll both be hitting the ground running in Australia – Healing through feeling!
~ Andrea ❤
LikeLike
I’m so glad it resonates for you Andrea, and that it gives you the impetus to face, feel and heal it. No apologies! Most of us are taught one way or another that we don’t really deserve much, and are unworthy. It’s so limiting! And painful.
I love the quote from David Whyte, especially the last sentence – anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you. Thank you for that.
Yes – healing through feeling! We have both improved vastly since this post was published. We have booked our flights for Hawaii, Samoa, Fiji, Australia and NZ – starting to get excited!
Alison ❤
LikeLike
How awesome, Alison! That’s a dream line-up right there – I can’t wait to read about those adventures and all of the amazing things you learn about yourselves along the way. So inspiring! ❤
LikeLike
So happy to hear Don is on his way to a full recovery and you’re both feeling better overall. Can’t wait to read about your upcoming Australia adventure! 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks so much. We’re starting to get pretty excited now 🙂
A.
LikeLike
Alison and Don, you’ve developed such wonderful insight into yourselves and it’s fascinating to follow your thought process. So glad to hear that you’re both on the mend and setting your sights on the future. All the best, Terri
LikeLike
Thanks Terri, yes we are both on the mend. Not fully healed yet, but healed enough that we’ve booked our next travels – island hopping across the Pacific to Australia and NZ. We still discover previously unconscious beliefs and/or fears that could keep us stuck, but as we feel and release them the freedom to move, and the freedom to be healthy expands. This journey we are on is so much about the inner journey as the lifestyle challenges us to face the inner world in a way that a ‘normal’ stable life would not.
All the best to you guys too!
Alison
LikeLike