We arrived in Vancouver the evening of May 28. The following afternoon I broke my ankle. As I said in an earlier post, it took me eight days and three doctors to understand that the fracture was extremely stable, that I didn’t need a cast or a compression boot, that I could treat the injury as a bad sprain, and that it would heal itself within two to four weeks. In the meantime however I had to spend most of my time on my bed with my leg elevated, and for the first three weeks all mobility was confined to crutches or a wheelchair. Damn. We were staying in one of the most beautiful areas of Vancouver, right by the water and right by miles of biking and walking paths along the sea wall. Damn!
Don became my main man. Well he’s always my main man but this was different. Suddenly he had to do everything. There was not a word of complaint that he had to do all the grocery shopping and meal preparation, all the household chores and of course all the driving. Instead of us going for long walks together down by the water he pushed me around in a wheel chair for brief outings so I didn’t go utterly stir-crazy. He was an absolute hero doing anything and everything that he could to help me heal, including daily Reiki and bringing me home buckets of ice cream. More than I asked for even, which I didn’t think possible. He says that he wasn’t exactly feeling like the saint I’ve portrayed him to be, but either way I was well taken care of.
I usually feel at home. Because we travel all the time every hotel room, every rented apartment, becomes home as soon as I’ve unpacked. The location doesn’t matter, only the feeling of being at home matters, and it seems to come easily for me. But not this time. I became aware that I didn’t feel at home. And then a little later I was aware of feeling extremely stuck. I haven’t felt that way for a long time, but suddenly there it was. Incredible as it may sound I didn’t link either to my lack of mobility.
Meanwhile Don was having his own problems. He became so stressed that he started forgetting things. Like leaving his pack containing wallet, credit cards, cell phone and laptop at the side of the road and driving off. That was a major panic moment. Luckily, this being Vancouver, when we returned about five minutes later a kind man was looking through it to find out how to contact us. (If he’d been stealing it he’d have been long gone on his motorbike). Another time it was my crutches left at the side of the road. So then he started stressing about aging and memory loss. And he was also stressed that I’d be foolish and reinjure myself. You know how the mind is. One thing goes ‘wrong’ and then it’s pile on – anything and everything that can feed the worry monster. What else is there to be worried about? Pile on.
Apart from feeling concerned for my health, and his own, and having his hands full as the primary caregiver, our loaned car started acting up. It has an intermittent problem: one of those tricky electronic faults that leaves us never knowing if the car will start or not. We once spent half an hour sitting in the car in a downpour. We decided to use it as good meditation time. And then suddenly the car decided to start. After three full days in the repair shop they still don’t know for sure what it is. We had plans to go to the US for a week at the end of June and Don didn’t think we could take the car across the border way it is. He started looking into rentals for the trip. In the mean time every time he goes to start it, it’s a fingers crossed and pray hard moment.
On top of that we had to move on June 26 to new accommodation and again on June 30 to go to the US and Don was worried that I wouldn’t be healed enough to be able to do either. And that I’d be stubborn and try to help and end up reinjuring myself. We move much more gear when we’re in town. We go to our storage locker and get more clothes, and file boxes, and our printer and all kinds of bits and pieces that we think we might need, so packing and moving, loading and unloading the car, is a bit of a production. Much more so than when we’re on the road and have only our daypacks and small cases.
The final stressor was that we had no idea where we were going to be living in July. We had accommodation sorted until July 7, and from the end of July until August 24, and all of November, and two good leads for September and October, and here it was getting well into June and we still didn’t have accommodation arranged for July. Talk about testing our level of trust.
Is it any wonder that we fell into a hole? We were both feeling stuck, both feeling anxious, and instead of looking at that and simply feeling the feelings, we both tried to focus as best we could on how lucky and blessed we were to be living in such a beautiful place, in such a wonderful city. We were both trying so hard to be okay with it all that we forgot to honour what we were truly feeling. We’d lost our freedom and we didn’t acknowledge it, and it was affecting everything.
My biggest fear was not about reinjuring myself, or about how we would deal with all the moving, or the problem with the car, or the uncertain situation with accommodation for July. My biggest fear was that our luck, our serendipity was gone. I am acutely aware that ever since Don and I started on this nomadic journey we have been blessed beyond our wildest imaginings. We’ve felt so grateful and so much in the flow, and the more we went with the flow, and the more we lived in gratitude, then the more everything opened up for us. Serendipity over and over. Horseshoes piled so high we could hardly see over the top. It has all felt like some kind of huge miracle. My biggest fear was that the flow had stopped. Or that we’d somehow lost our way and were caught forever in an eddy going nowhere, battering against the shore and unable to break free. That I broke my ankle was truly shocking in the first place. As the days and weeks wore on, and it affected us more and more, everything seemed to get sticky, and difficult. That was alarming for me after years of everything generally being flowing and easy, and it frightened me.
We had no idea how deeply my lack of mobility had affected us. Until we did. After about four weeks, when I was nearly healed, we finally started seeing what we’d been holding in.
On June 24 we each imagined what our homecoming would have felt like and looked like if I hadn’t been injured. We could each sense a whole different experience and in doing that we came to see how very stressed we’d been. On top of that I had the sudden revelation that I had never actually believed that it would be possible to arrange housesitting in Vancouver for six months. Well that’s certain to stop the flow.
And that was all it took: just a little clarity. Seeing the tension we’d been holding, and seeing the limiting belief I’d been holding with regards to accommodation. God it’s so simple when you can see it. The seeing of it freed it all. An email we’d been hoping for arrived. We followed up on a lead with another friend. We sent an email to another possibility. By the end of that day we had accommodation arranged for most of July, with only five days of it still to be confirmed.
On June 25 I was up early and healed enough to go downstairs, across the road, climb carefully over some rocks and photograph a heron on the beach, and later in the day when the tide was even further out to climb across the rocks and go way out and photograph some Canada geese. Also that day while Don ran errands I raced around cleaning the apartment. My ankle is fine with a brace. About 90% healed. I worked my not-so-little buns off cleaning. It felt great to be getting some exercise again.
On June 27 accommodation for all of September and October was confirmed. We also talked with the owner of the car and confirmed that he’s fine with us taking it across the border with the intermittent starter problem. And for over a week now, ever since we got it back from the shop, it has started first time every time. Fingers crossed that that continues!
On June 29 the final five days of accommodation in July were confirmed.
I guess when you fall into a hole you stay there until you can see the way again. And then you climb out. Because you can. It finally feels like we’re out of the hole and back in the flow.
Photo of the day: English Bay, Vancouver, Canada
All words and images by Alison Louise Armstrong unless otherwise noted
© Alison Louise Armstrong and Adventures in Wonderland – a pilgrimage of the heart, 2010-2015.
We should all recognize that hole. Thanks for the reminder, Alison! It’s a good thing that when we dig ourselves into a hole, we usually get to keep the shovel so we can get ourselves out (by first shovelling out all the BS that’s in the hole with us, LOL).
I hope Don has come out of it too and feels better, lower his stress level and fewer worries about aging and memory.
P.S. A good friend once taught me about how my car’s issues were reflecting what was going on in me. So forgive me, but I actually had to LOL at your car trying to tell you about your issues with getting started back up again.
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…oops, should be “lower stress level” (not “lower his stress level”)
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Oh I chuckled about the car! How obvious, and yet we missed it. Facepalm!
Yes, thank goodness we had the shovel with us 🙂
Don’s also feeling much less stressed. We’re both feeling in the flow again.
A
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Hi Alison and Don,
Do you know this one?
1.
“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
2.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
3.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
4.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
5.
I walk down another street.”
I think somebody should fix all those holes in the sidewalk, don’t you? Put a little gravel in, or something …….
Great blog! Thanks for sharing.
Tanya
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Thanks Tanja. Oh yes, we’re very familiar with this one. These days we mostly walk down another street, compared say to 10 years ago. Occasionally we’ll see a hole and walk around it. I hope I don’t have to keep breaking my ankle over and over until we see enough to walk around this particular hole lol! Actually the difference with both of us these days is we look for the lessons immediately – what’s the message here?, what do I need to learn, or let go of?, etc. I think that helps us move through these sticky places fairly quickly.
Thanks for a wonderful lunch yesterday. It was so good to meet you both.
A.
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This happened to me too, funnily enough right before a trip to the east coast of Canada. Heal quickly my friend~
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Thanks Cindy – the healing progresses well. I hope you also have found your way out of the hole. Maybe it was the terror of facing the wild east coast of Canada lol! Those darn holes – they sure can catch you by surprise eh?!
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I have sold my home and furniture of 25 years, and am about to be a Global Nomad at 66! You are my inspiration!
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How fabulous! I’m so excited for you. Believe me it will be a mind-blowing heart-opening amazing journey. Happy travels.
Alison
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Oh WOW – I somehow missed the post where you said you had broken your ankle! I don’t know how – where was I? I wonder….
Anyway I am so glad you are out of the hole and mended again. I absolutely do know how it is when things pile up and pick up speed when one thing goes bad….it’s like a hole of vulnerability opens up, and adversity/fate steps right in to try and gum up the works. But I am so glad things are better now!! You guys are so strong and capable, and quite a force to be reckoned with But you already knew that in your heart of hearts!
Keep the faith! Hang in there…
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Oh yeah – the pile on – it can really get you, but yes, we are better now thanks. This journey really is so much about paying attention, and when we don’t fate/adversity can creep up from behind and get us. Our biggest ‘saviour’ (I suppose I could call it that) is that we talk stuff through with each other so eventually we talk our way to clarity.
A
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Such a powerful post, and scary in a way because I understand about worrying the luck might run out, that’s until things change. What a relief to read that Don found his wallet. So many subtle blessings like that person NOT stealing from you, but the biggest blessing is always climbing out of that hole–glad to read that. Hugs.
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Thanks Paulette. Worrying that our luck had run out was for sure the scariest thing for me. We have been blessed beyond measure, and it is only because of that that we can continue to do what we’re doing. At the same time we understand that it is up to us to listen very carefully for what’s really wanted – i.e. the flow, and that if we somehow are not in complete authenticity with ourselves then the flow can get sticky real quick. Good to be out of the hole and back in the flow again.
A
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When your name is Alison and you live in Wonderland, you really do have to watch out for holes… that and large rabbits that worry about time. Holes can be an adventure but watch out for the Jabberwocky. Trust the force! 🙂 –Curt
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Chuckle. Yes, there are holes everywhere, and rabbits, and mostly they’re madly exciting. Unlike this one that got a little sticky. The Force is with us!
A
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The worry monster…always ready to spew out more worry. Best to banish that one. Glad you’re out of the hole.
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Thanks Angeline. It feels good to be out of that hole, and back in the flow again. No more listening to the worry monster!
A
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Staying healthy, whole and mobile plays a huge part in the travel experience. So glad you’re well on your way to recovery so that you can resume your adventures wherever you go… Anita
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Thanks Anita. It feels really good to be mobile again, even if the ankle still has some healing to do. At least I can walk now, but it sure was a shock to be so injured. We felt a bit like we were in a bubble of grace. Which we are, we just didn’t know it included twisted ankles.
A
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Happy to hear it’s healing quickly! 🙂
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Thanks so much Sherry. I’m getting there – walking well with a brace. I think only another couple of weeks at most and I’ll be back to normal. Yay!
A
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So glad you are back in the flow! It is a scary feeling when one thing after another goes wrong, I also had a run of bad luck and was worried thet my luck had run out but after a couple of months (and arrival in Canada) – everything started to flow again and we felt so very blessed.
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Oh I’m so glad to hear you’re back in the flow again. It’s not fun when things start to go ‘wrong’ and the worry monster gets you. it’s just the ebb and flow of life I suppose but we start worrying and make things worse than they are I think.
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Totally agree about worrying making it worse but it can be hard to stop!
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I love the way you all are able to look in and work out what’s really happening underneath.
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Thanks Leigh. It’s all just a mirror isn’t it? All our experience is about what we need to come home, so I try to listen.
A
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What a great story! I love the way Don looked after you and seeing your challenges and the spiritual element of it all. Really inspiring! You should eventually write a book…maybe one of those large coffee table types with loads of pictures from your travels! Really love your photo of the heron (one of my favourite birds) and the Canada geese!
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Thanks H&S/tl. We’re definitely planning on writing a book – pretty much as you describe – loads of photos and some of the stories of out inner journey, and some of the stories of our outer journey.
A.
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So glad you’re both in the flow again – this was a great reminder post for me…happy you have things sorted 🙂
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Thanks Annie. We’re glad to be in the flow again, and glad we could be a reminder. I read so many posts that are good reminders for me it’s nice to be able to return the favour.
A. xox
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A really thought-provoking post Alison. For the past month I’ve been struggling with a similar challenge – a stress fracture in my leg. And like you, it came as a shock to have my mobility curtailed. Your description of “being in a hole” is so perfect. I’m crawling out, slowly but surely, and it feels great. So glad that you are healing and feeling more yourself … and getting your plans lined up. I know how important that is to nomads like us. 🙂 So what’s coming up in the future for you two? ~Terri
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So sorry to hear you’re in a similar hole Terri. Ugh a stress fracture. But good to hear you’re slowly making your way out. We have lots of plans lined up but nothing booked yet except our accommodation in Vancouver until end Nov. After that a South Pacific Island for 2-3 weeks, Canberra for Christmas with family, NZ, back to Oz for the first F1 race of the season in Melbourne, then? maybe Indonesia, maybe Philippines, maybe Japan, maybe all three . . . . . .
A.
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Thanks for the beautiful glimpse into your lives. It is amazing how these stories play out, how quickly the experience of the present can change with the arrival of that one catalyzing realization. In my experience it rewrites the past, too, reshaping what seemed to have been, and what was once resisted is able to seen as the gift that it was. A splendid recovery on all fronts! As I read your story I couldn’t help but imagine a great, loving force surrounding you and Don throughout, as you sat in the car in a downpour, as the wallet fell into helpful hands, as you fretted about what’s next, as you resisted looking head on into your doubts and concerns, as what had to be done was done… It is a remarkable thing to see that enfolding presence shine through your writing, and reminds me to expand my own view of what is… Such a gift… It strikes me that this larger field is what you and Don (and all of us) carry with you at all times, whether knowing it or not. It is the home we can never leave…
Michael
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Oh yes – the rewriting of the past, so resisted but later seen as a blessing. Happens all the time 🙂
We feel that loving force, over and over, and perhaps even at all times. I think that’s what was the scariest for me – I felt as if we’d somehow lost contact with that loving force, that benevolence that is everywhere and all of everything. It is the home we can never leave. The same home for all of us. It’s there even if we don’t feel it or open to it, but it seems to overflow with blessings when we do, or perhaps I should say when we get out of the way.
A
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Practical Pam hopes you were spending some of the time in that hole sorting through your photos for your next [very important] travelogue post. (?)
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Yes I am 🙂
I am also spending close ‘family’ time with long-time friends on Whidbey Island so that’s taking me away from the all important photos. Patience my friend 🙂
A ❤
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I love Whidbey Island! Enjoy.
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Love, love, love the heron and goose photo. Plus, I hope everything continues to work out. Jamie
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Thanks so much Jamie. Those birds are so beautiful and there are many of them in Vancouver. They have a nesting colony close by where this was taken in one of the most densely populated areas of the city. Go figure.
Things are going smoothly so far!
A.
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I always feel so blessed to be along with you on the colorful, swift-footed journeys, but I realize, it is not the exotic locals but the authentic glimpses into your experiences, the flow and the strain, the trust and the doubt, that blesses me. What a gift it is not only to be able to open yourself to see the hole but to share the dip in the road and the epiphany when it comes with us – much love to you both for being the most beautiful unfolding Alison and Don! xo! m
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Thank you so much Marga. We love the exotic locals, and locales, and the external experiences feed us in rich ways, but you are certainly not the first to say that the inner journey is the more compelling. We are glad to be able to share it. And are enriched by those like yourself who can hear us. Thank you. ❤
A. xox
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So exciting!! Can’t wait to see where your next post finds you both.
Heart,
Dani
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Thank you so much Dani. I am nearly healed. Next blog post will be about Galapagos – we were there 4 months ago. We are currently in Vancouver for the next 5 months, then off to the south seas and Australia.
A ❤
PS I love your blog 🙂
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I wish I could fit in your suitcase. Alison. I’d love to come along for the ride, but I’m thankful to be able to through your writing.
There is always a rainbow, isn’t there??
Blessings,
Dani
P.S. Thank you for the kind words about my blog. Yours is quite amazing.
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Yes, there’s always a rainbow ❤
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may there be gentle healing
following body’s wisdom 🙂
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Thank you. I am so lucky that Don is a Reiki practitioner – it has made such a difference. The body heals itself like a miracle.
A
xox
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It’s scary out here sometimes, isn’t it?! But it’s nice to know that eventually, somehow, it’s possible to push through the icky/lonely/uncertain/wtf-am-i-doing slumps and get your groove back 😉
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Scary, a bit, especially when the mind stories have taken over and you don’t realise you’re in a hole. Until you do. And yes! We have our groove back! It feels great 🙂
We have the wtf moments from time to time and realise we have no idea, but keep doing it anyway 🙂
Alison
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Tell Don he’s not losing his mind. When we try to perform under stress we make all sorts of mistakes. I’m glad you have passed out of the hole. I can relate!
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Thanks Jane. I hope your travels in Africa continue to be fabulous!
Don was a neuropsychologist. Thing is his doctorate was in memory loss and aging so he’s hyper alert to any signs of it happening – in himself and in me. He’s aware of the irony that his deeper knowledge adds to the stress 🙂 Also that the mind will grab a hold of anything it can to pile on! We mostly call each other on it when we’re lost in the mind stories only this time we both were. And well out of it now, and starting to enjoy ourselves again. I was even dancing at our full-moon drumming circle. Definitely on the mend and out of the hole.
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I totally understand this … both my mom and her two sisters had Alzheimer’s .. I notice everything … and have to talk to myself kindly-but-firmly when I ‘spot’ something! Live your insights x
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Thanks so much Nicola. 🙏 We have to do the same – remind ourselves, and each other, that our brain function slowing down a little doesn’t mean we’re dementing! We’re just older than we used to be, and still fully functional. That’s what matters – how well we function in the world. Be kind to yourself. Be well. Onward!
Alison
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Glad your injury has healed. Some physio might help. I broke my heal into 3 pieces back in 2007 and it was no picnic. Hope your healing continues and stay off the skates for now!
My wife Teresa (52) and I, Carlton (67) read your interview by Nomadic Matt with great interest. I wish he would have plugged your blog (hint Matt). We have been talking about selling out and doing some long term travelling, however we are still thinking we might need a small home base here in Ontario to maintain our residency for Health Insurance and other benefits. There are a lot of logistics to consider, like reaching a consensus on where to go! We are considering the apartment route in 30 day segments between locations, but still not sure.
Do you have any recommendations on gear – like day packs you have loved and cannot do without!
Do you have an off line email I can write to?
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Triple fractured heel. Ouch! And ouch again. I cannot even imagine the pain of that, and the long healing time. I’m not quite out of the woods. I’m confident the fracture has healed, but the soft tissue not quite yet. Still I’m mobile enough to go for walks.
Matt gives a link to our blog at the end of the article. I wish he’d plug it more too 🙂
Yes there are many logistics to consider. Your idea of 30 day apartments is a good one, though it is possible to rent apartments for only one week and still save since they won’t cost more than a mid range hotel and you can make your own meals. After a while it’s wonderful to not have to eat out.
We carry large day packs – more like college book bags, and carry-on size cases, though you can see from the photo in the first Galapagos post that when expanded they’re pretty big. All our valuables stay with us in the backpacks. We didn’t want to have to carry 2 backpacks hence the cases.
Gear – headlamps that can be recharged on our laptops – from MEC
Unusual but we carry a surge protector power bar – we don’t want our laptops fried from erratic power.
Two small good quality cutting knives and a thin flexible cutting board and 2 plastic sandwich tubs – have found so many uses for these. Also a few pegs, a length of cord and some duct tape – again many uses.
I’ll email you.
Cheers, Alison
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Again, I absolutely love your raw train of thought that you share here. I relate with it so much – fear of the luck running out. Realizing something isn’t working only to realize you never actually thought it would.
Brilliant – I’m happy the flow has realigned! What a great reminder.
~ Andrea ❤
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Thanks so much Andrea. I glad to say we’re out of the hole of fearing the luck will run out. That feels very good. We’re in another bit of a hole dealing with body issues/ageing and learning we cannot be cavalier about the body. But what a perfect blessing to be here in our hometown where we can get all the help we need. Still looking at the underlying issues – more to comprehend/unravel/release. I’ll probably write about it in the next week or so.
Alison ❤
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Awesome – I look forward to reading it, Alison!
I forgot to mention that your epiphany of needing to feel the emotion rather than trying to be okay with it was amazing as well. That’s definitely been in the forefront for me these last few months. Acknowledging the underlying issue rather than trying to force feed my self a more appealing emotional state. It’s so key, I think it’s imperative to achieve a true balance of happiness rather than remaining in the wishful thinking, or hopeful state, that things will change. It attacks it at the root, and I’ve definitely noticed a big difference in myself since going that little bit further within. Anyways, I had to bring it up because that was a very poignant part of your writing that reached out and grabbed me on that soul level.
Happy to hear you’re both well back in the homeland. Loved that shot of the Canadian goose and would definitely like a shot of that clean air right about now!
~ Andrea ❤
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I think it is enormously important to be present with what you’re really feeling. As you say it’s key. Only after feeling what you’re really feeling can you release it. I find in the release that a new ‘better’ emotional state automatically arises. Trouble is we all forget/don’t want to feel the ‘bad’ feelings/have been conditioned to avoid the ‘bad’ feelings, and so they get stuffed and that creates all kinds of problems.
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