I’m discombobulated. The mind just doesn’t get it. I have a different life now.
One would think that is an obvious thing, should have been obvious since we first set out on this nomadic journey in September of 2011. But we kept coming back to Canada, and to Vancouver, even spent three months there last year, and Vancouver still felt very much like home, and I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. Most of our friends are there, our community is there. Our life was there. I know I’m writing in the past tense as if this is no longer so and in a way that’s true, but it’s not that clear cut. We have no idea where we’ll live or when. Maybe it will be back in Vancouver, or maybe it will be some other place. I slowly begin to be able to imagine living somewhere else, but Vancouver is still at the top of the list. And right now I’m living in La Manzanilla, Mexico, even if only for a while. Right now this is the life I have.
I’ve been dropping deeper and deeper into presence here in Mexico. So deep that there’s a clear direct experience that all that exists is now. There’s no past or future, there’s only now and only ever has been now and only ever will be now. I’ve recognized this before. And I don’t mean just as an intellectual idea, but as a direct felt experience and knowing, that there’s absolutely nothing beyond this moment, there’s nothing “out there”. It’s not the first time I’ve had a direct experience of this but it seems to be deeper now, and more frequent. Daily. This knowing there’s nothing beyond now.
Deep in the now, simply watching the mind doing its dance, and another realization – the default position of the personality that arises here is “I hate myself”. Been aware of this for years, been doing the “work” to dismantle the belief structures, and conditioning, and egoic position, that holds it in place. Enough of that old way of being has now collapsed and crumbled and turned to dust that finally I can see this default position and simply observe it. Oh, so that’s what arises here. Simply that. For the first time it feels like there’s a complete acceptance of the personality that arises here. A puzzlement about it. A bewilderment about it. What does it mean? What is it? Where did it come from? Why is it like this? Why am I like this? I don’t just mean the default position, I mean all of it – all the quirks and positions and opinions and judgments and bits and pieces and comings and goings and ups and downs of the personality that arises here, as me. It’s so bizarre. Even the mind realizes the questions are rhetorical and that there are no answers. It’s puzzling and bewildering. And all the other personalities that arise in all the other bodies. Each one so unique. What are they? Why are they like they are? Where do they come from? The mind doesn’t understand it, can’t understand it, because there’s nothing to be understood. Just what is, as it is. There’s nothing to be done about it, or needs to be done about it. Just finally a quiet acceptance, that brings tears, and relief, both.
At the same time this was evolving, Don and I were talking about the blog, and who was following us along, or not, and our community in Vancouver, and suddenly it hit me. After 20 months since we first left Vancouver it suddenly hit me – we don’t live that life anymore! We live this life. This life, currently temporarily in a little casita near the beach in Mexico, and then to move on again, living this nomadic life that has us moving because that is what we’ve chosen, or more accurately, has chosen us. Until it changes. It’s as if we’ve been teleported into a different life, and the teleporting happened instantly, and took twenty months, both.
The mind is completely discombobulated, puzzled, bewildered. Not only have we been teleported into a completely different life, in which most of our friends are noticeably absent and our old stomping ground has been pulled out from under our feet, but also there’s this new inner position of clear observation of the personality that’s leaving me with no ground to stand on internally. Certainly not the old ground anyway – the old ground of just being “me” with the default position of “I hate myself”, and “I’m no good”, and “I’m an irritant to the world”. It hasn’t gone away. It can still bring tears. But there’s a clear seeing of it now, an observation that hasn’t been there in the past and so the power of it is lessened and it has less traction. And the clear seeing of it is completely confusing to the mind. Bewildering. The clear seeing comes from beyond the mind so there’s no understanding it. There’s no understanding it anyway.
Completely discombobulated.
Photo of the day: The Frangipani Kid, Phnom Oudong, Canbodia
All words and images by Alison Louise Armstrong unless otherwise noted.
© Alison Louise Armstrong and Adventures in Wonderland – a pilgrimage of the heart, 2010-2015.
Wow, Alison! I feel honored to be following your journey, and in awe about where you are right now. I’m in the world of car repair for 3 weeks due to an accident not my fault, and signing off that I will not transport a pet in the rental car, and retooling options for Louie, and preparing a dinner for neighbors tomorrow, and getting tickets to a kids’ play for me and said neighbors…etc etc…I’m glad you are writing about your sacred journey of nomadism…Love, Judy
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Hi Judy – thank you. Well someone thanks you anyway 🙂
Things have settled a bit since I wrote that – a deeper acceptance of the life I’m living, a deeper presence in it, and more importantly a deeper acceptance of the “me” that arises here. This is the best part of it. Being more self-accepting means less trying to get away, means more presence.
Wow – you sound busy. Sorry to hear about the car accident and all its attendant inconveniences (hope no one was hurt). Sounds like fun with your neighbours.
Love and hugs from us
A
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I wonder if we can ever really get to that place, that NOW, and stay there forever. I admire you for your insistence on trying. Daily is pretty impressive!
Love you,
Kay
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Hi Kay – good to hear from you. We were just saying that we hadn’t heard from you for a while and were hoping you were okay. Yes, we do get to that Now and stay there – I know because I know people who live from that place – Eckhart Tolle for one, and Adyashanti (our favourite teacher – google him :)), and I bet Gangaji is another – it’s the reason they’re such powerful teachers. They have no “me” left, only presence. It’s inspiring. Adya has said that the world opens up as he steps into it. *That’s* presence!
Love and hugs from us
Ali
xoxox
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Well, *I* think you’re awesome 🙂
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Well thank you! You’re pretty awesome yourself! 🙂
xoxox
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I once read that when one becomes enlightened (definition: present, seeing, etc. not a guru figure or identification) it’s like having a nervous breakdown. I’ve experienced what you write about, different scenario but similar internal whatever, and it is very discombobulating. That’s a good word for it. It keeps doing different things to “me” and from one minute to the next I don’t have a f—–g clue, even when “I” think I do. Glad to be a fly on your wall.
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Yes I know about the nervous breakdown – only I did it such a little bit at a time that it never actually showed up as that, just ‘years and years’ of chipping away at the rigid crustiness of the ego and its positions. Adyashanti said it’s not a matter of whether or not we will wake up to the divine emptiness of presence, it’s just a matter of how deep the egoic claw marks will be as life drags us kicking and screaming into surrender. I’m leaving some pretty deep claw marks I think. And it is what it is. I know that thing about not having a f–ging clue. It often strikes both of us that we haven’t got a clue what were doing or why. Just “being done”. We’re all just being done 🙂
Hugs
A
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Well said. I love you. Whatever that means, lol. 🙂
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Alison,
Sounds like that little casita in Mexico has turned into an ashram. Lots of insight and acceptance going on there. I would argue that discombobulated is just clarity so large that one cannot take it in all at once. {{{hugs]}} Kozo
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Oh I love your reframe! Yes – I’ll take it: clarity so large that one cannot take it in all at once.
It comes and goes though there’s a definite shift in acceptance of whatever arises here as “me” and less identification with “me” and more with the simple awareness of it. And more presence.
(((((hugs))))) right back
A
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I like you from the reading, and this distance and so I was astonished to read ‘I hate myself’ but then I hate MYself so do you think we ALL have this default setting? Quite strange to think (and sad) that we’re all running around with those thoughts..
I imagine, if you went back to Vancouver now, it would be oh so different being with the old friends…you’d be different and staying put in the old place would be very different…
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I think all ‘egos’ or ‘mind-made’ selves (as Eckhart would call it) have this default setting – it’s the reason we’re all defended, to a greater or lesser extent, and are running around trying to prove how good we are, to a greater or lesser extent. And it’s not the mind-made self, in and of itself, that’s the issue. It’s that we identify with it and think it’s who we are when it’s really just a huge fabrication out of literally nothing. When I caught the thought “I hate myself” as it arose it was not new to me. I just happened in a moment of pure awareness and I could simply observe it without identifying with it. That was the shift. It’s a shift I’ve been striving for for many years – this shift of identification from the “me” mind-made self to identifying as the awareness that simply observes it. We’ll see how things go from here. . . . . .
I think Van and our friends there will not be so different – they’re a pretty open hearted bunch. But yes, we’ll be different . . . . .
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Striving for that shift too – may those moments become longer and longer. Currently I’m struggling to find peace in meditation and have been for months actually. As a result today the dr tells me I need more bp meds 😦 – hearing that only makes me more anxious and less settled..and on it goes.
Sorry all about me me me! Hope you two are both well and happy.
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So sorry to hear about the bp meds 😦
Yes, let it be all about you! Have at it! I’m happy to hear about you, only sorry to hear you’re struggling. Still, there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can’t see it yet. Just the fact of the path you’re on means you’ll get there – the inner commitment will bring you home. Someone asked Adyashanti once if they were meant to be pursuing the spiritual/awakening path and he said if they weren’t they wouldn’t be at a meditation retreat, they’d be picking potatoes in Peru lol. You’re the bodhisattva in training! You’ve met the Dalai Lama! Because that’s what you care about. Trust the path even if it is a struggle. I bet you’ve heard this before, and it might not help much (it didn’t always help me) but the struggle is the path, the struggle is the jewel. You’re okay.
In and out of the shift – it’s just easier to see it so easier to drop into it now.
Wishing you health and blessings
Alison
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Thank you so much for those soothing, calming words. I feel quite taken care of 🙂
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This is so beautifully spoken. I see so much of my own confusion in your words, but some of my slow waking up as well. How can we ever give up the human instinct to always be trying to get solid ground under our feet? Can we ever let go and realize there is no solid ground? I heard something once that stuck with me..something about how letting go completely is as terrifying as jumping out of an airplane with no parachute – until you realize there is no ground.
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That’s the ultimate trick isn’t it – to get that clear seeing that there is no solid ground, never has been, and be comfortable living in that free-fall of not knowing anything.
I think we can let go. I think many of us, all around the world, are here to do precisely that – let go. I’m not just hopeful. I have an enormous faith that all those of us on a spiritual path, who are truly seeking the truth, will find it and find that living with no ground is the only truly authentic way to live. And on the outside it will just look ordinary. Before enlightenment chop wood carry water. After enlightenment chop wood carry water.
xoxox
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♥♥♥ love love love this, and all the wonderful comments. You are my guru as I carry on chopping wood and carrying water. Its been several years since I read Eckhart Tolle. I think it’s definitely time for a refresher to get unstuck from my imaginary solid ground. Thanks Alison for sharing your discombobulation. May we all become so discombobulatedly present by letting go.
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Thank you so very much. I’m so glad it struck a chord with you. Yes, Eckhart’s always good for a refresher. And I agree – may we all become discombobulatedly present! I’m not sure I qualify to be a guru lol, but years ago some of my friends called me Swami Ali. It was a joke! 🙂
xoxox
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OH Alison, What an exciting read this was for me! Thank you so for the sharing. The open discussion of the default setting is powerful! Comforting to be groundless – together. Rushing home from an approaching storm yesterday, the thought hit me that I wanted to be home before it broke, and then I realized there was no home. This groundlessness can leave me dizzy. Much love and heart felt squeezes to you!
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I hardly know how to reply. Thank you. I’m glad it resonated for you. I’m not at all surprised that it did. The sharing was inevitable. I agree it’s helpful to talk about, and acknowledge, the default setting. I think we all have it, and once truly seen there’s no going back. Not one of us has a home, we just think we do. It’s funny how we cling to the concept of home when it’s not even needed, not internally anyway. Groundlessness, although discombobulating, and dizzying, being in free-fall, presence, is the true home. There’s such a joy in me to be finally seeing it, little by little. I know there’s a “future” when I’ll disappear into it, but it’s not time yet.
Much love and hugs to you too!
xoxox
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Alison, as I read this post one of my favorite poets came to mind.
(The Waking
By Theodore Roethke)
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
There’s more to it but those first three lines have always resonated with me. No fear, no doubts….we’re just all doing the best we can. Cheers, Maureen
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Yes, it’s so true – we’re all just doing the best we can, and “learn by going where I have to go”.
Lovely poem. Thank you for sharing and commenting.
I think we’re all just being done, and that there’s really no-one here. Just this. As it is.
Blessings
Alison
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