I think I was in my early teens when I started to worry about my weight. I remember I had my appendix out when I was 14 and lost a lot of weight due to the surgery. It felt great. I thought I looked fabulous. I’m not very tall, and the constant message in western society is tall and thin is better than anything else and I fell for it. It got deeply implanted in my psyche. I had to be thin to be good enough, and although I could do nothing about my height I sure could do something about my weight.
For most of my life it was not really an issue as it was easy for me to eat healthy with lots of fruit and vegetables and little or no meat. My biggest “weakness”, then and now, was sugar, especially ice cream, but all my life I’ve been active enough to work off any extra calories. I’ve always been above average fitness and really enjoyed the movement and energy of a healthy fit body. I also exercised. A lot. To stay thin. It was a driving force. Hours biking, or running, or cross-country skiing, or hiking. And I frequently wore baggy hippie clothes because I thought I wasn’t thin enough to wear clothes that actually fitted my body, even though I’m 5ft 2in and mostly weighed about 107 pounds. I was always striving to get down to one hundred pounds, which is what I weighed after that appendix surgery.
One winter a few years ago Don and I got into the habit of eating a heavily buttered muffin every night after dinner. I don’t know how Don got the message he had to stop, but he did. I got the message when I discovered my weight had shot up to 127 pounds. As suddenly as I started eating too much I stopped. I stopped eating pretty much altogether. I found peace with feeling hungry. My weight fell to 100 pounds and I felt great. I was a winner! I could wear anything and look good, especially if I added a pair of high heels. There was so much ego and vanity bound up in it.
So what does all this have to do with being nomadic? Well I’ll start by saying I’ve gained ten pounds since we started travelling, and that I hate it. Because we’re nomadic, and moving and changing our circumstances all the time there’s no routine about when or what we eat. And we’re not getting as much exercise as we used to. I’m not sure why this is, but I know there is a connection to our constantly changing circumstances. There’s no routine. When we had a home and a stable life it was easier to control what I ate, and how much I exercised. It feels as if I’ve lost control of it all, and I hate that most of all.
There’s a big letting go needed of course. A big whack to the side of the head. Get over it. Let go. The ego is heart-broken. It’s going to lose. This whole journey has been about letting go, of all the positions, concepts, judgments, beliefs of the mind. In the beginning was the big letting go of all the obvious external things – home, possessions, and car. Now here’s another letting go that’s needed – that somehow I’m better, more acceptable, more loveable if I’m thin. It’s nonsense. I know it’s nonsense, but that doesn’t stop it being painful. A giving up. A surrender. A defeat. A loss. A grieving. And a need to find acceptance and equanimity with the extra ten pounds, and even an extra ten on top of that.
I don’t know how to do it. I look at my naked body and I don’t love it. I send it love, but I don’t love the way it looks, and I don’t know how to get to where the automatic contraction around how it looks stops happening. My only “answer” at the moment is to simply witness the contraction, over and over, until I no longer buy into the conditioned story. It’s been a long time coming. I’ve known of course that I’d have to face this some day, but as long as I was in a stable life, where there was more of an illusion of control, I could control it and “win”. Being nomadic has forced me to face it. I have no control. And the discipline needed to eat less and exercise more, the control it takes, is not arising here now, and apparently there’s nothing I can do about it.
This has been a difficult post to write, and even more difficult to publish, but I’ll do it anyway. It’s part of the story, and therefore must be told so the story will be complete.
When I think of the suffering in the world, of the plight of others, of the poverty we see daily, I feel appalled and embarrassed. How lucky am I that my problem is too much food and not enough exercise?!
Photo of the day: Caught this delightful vignette on the Ghats of Varanasi – a couple of girls from Korea.
All words and images by Alison Louise Armstrong unless otherwise noted.
© Alison Louise Armstrong and Adventures in Wonderland – a pilgrimage of the heart, 2010-2015.
This was a brave thing to do, Alison. Good luck with it.
I too bought into that myth, and because I’ve always been overweight (or felt like I was) and didn’t know what to do about it when I was a teen, my self esteem was very poor for much of my life. It didn’t help that my husband told me if I ever gained to 150 pounds he’d divorce me. So of course I did get to 150 pounds (and more) and then couldn’t lose it. (I still can’t get below 150 lbs- it’s a huge mental block.) ( I divorced him – best thing I ever did for myself!) But I feel fine about my self now, just the way I am, and have for the last 10 or so years. I give much of the credit to the long dance and that group, although there’s been a lot of other spiritual work that’s happened throughout that time and longer. We used to have men’s and women’s councils (when Jane was alive and we had many more people at the dances). The women would often work on women’s issues, including body image. It was a huge help to see other women who had the same issues I had about body image, even those I considered “perfectly proportioned” and thin. I especially remember our counsel when we were first discussing earth nesting, and how to do it, what to wear, etc.
I do try eat healthy and exercise as well as I can with my physical issues. But I’m still overweight, know it and try to change it, but don’t beat myself up over it. For the most part, I’m pretty healthy. I like who I am after all these years!
Congratulations on taking this big step!
XXX000
Kay
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Hi Kay
Thanks for your support and your thoughtful reply. And yes, the long dances and our whole community have helped a lot. It’s only through all my years with you guys, and of course my years with Don, learning how to be self-revealing, (and seeing the benefits of that) that I’m able to do this now.
I’m happy to hear you’ve found peace with yourself exactly the way you are. I have confidence I will too eventually.
Just writing this was a huge help. And publishing it another helpful step. One of these days I’ll look in the mirror and be in a place of equanimity with what I see.
Hugs
Alison xoxox
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You are incredibly brave to have let us read that. Thank you for your astounding honesty. I hope many people read this and that it helps them as it has already helped me. 🙂 Deborah
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Thanks Deborah. I’m glad to hear it has helped you. It did help to write it, and to put it out there. It feels like a searing, but necessary part of the journey.
Thanks for your support.
xoxox
Alison
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Sometimes the hardest ones to write make the most compelling reading, because deep down (and not so deep down) we related to the human condition and the suffering, whether it’s weight, body image, relationship issues, illness, poverty, etc. the challenge of rising above the suffering is not easy and really what does it matter the source for when it permeates it matters not how small the particle, it acts like a gas and fills every space it occupies. I relate to what you wrote personally and in working with women at the clinic I work in. I applaud you for posting this. And, I thank you for having the courage to be honest, out loud. Big hug to you. Paulette
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Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I had to write it, and say it out loud, no matter how vulnerable it makes me. It’s only by going through the fire that I’ll get free of it. And yes, suffering is suffering, no matter the cause. This being human thing – it sure puts you through it!
I hope it helps others. Somehow we’ve all been hoodwinked into believing something that has no validity. The irony is I’m travelling in countries where being being heavier is seen as a sign of wealth and prosperity.
Big hug to you too
Alison
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the honest sharing of our human vulnerability is where all the energy seems to flow – our shared stories – beautiful writing, Alison! I mused on this topic one particularly self loving day:http://lifeasimprov.wordpress.com/2012/12/16/love-of-self/
tender love sent your way – such a polarity in every aspect of this walk.xmarga
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Thank you. And thank you for your lovely post on tenderness. I do know that tenderness towards the vulnerable human self – that soft puppy love that just embraces it all. So again, thank you, – for the reminder. (I couldn’t watch the video – internet speed too slow in Laos)
With tenderness, Alison
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Thanks for the public honesty Alison. Just had a similar conversation about this with two women friends today. Body/image-conditioning runs deep, and is a powerful resource for looking at where the mind wants to grasp and keep the I-story running. Knowing full well what we ARE is beyond beautiful!
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Yes, it surely is a place to keep the “I” story running, and a perfect place for the pain body to hook into. All this is really helping as I see that it is just the stories of the mind, no matter how ingrained they are, and the pain body doing its best to get a foot-hold. There’s a witnessing, and the tenderness that arises there.
What folly it all is. And yet how wondrous at the same time.
Feeling very blessed.
Thank you.
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Alison,
You are an incredible person. Actually, I misspoke. Incredible means “unbelievable,” you are a credible, authentic, wise, brave, and beautiful woman. Thank you so much for sharing this wisdom with us. Although being a man, I do not feel the same pressures about body image that women do, I can relate to your struggle with ego, social norms, and self-compassion. Your line, “I know it’s nonsense, but that doesn’t stop it being painful” hit me like a cold shower.
This post will not only help you heal from the wounds of a patriarchal ideology, but also help women understand themselves and help men empathize with women. I know this isn’t a post for B4Peace, but it should be. This post is all about peace–inner peace, equanimity, peace between genders, and world peace. Thank you for sharing. {{{{HUGE HUGS}}} Kozo
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Wow Kozo, thank you so much. I’m glad it struck a chord for you. Yes I think we all have the same struggle with ego/the false-self, and with self-compassion – finding the tenderness towards self that marga t. talks about.
I often think about the idea of joy and inner peace – that the whole external struggle, or striving for peace, and joy, is all really about each of us finding the truth of our being, our own *inner* peace, being at peace with all aspects of our humanity. Imagine the joy if all of us would fully embrace all our imperfections, and then therefore be able to embrace them in others. We’d all be home then.
Thank you for your support.
(((((Huge hugs to you too))))))
Alison
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the difficulties we encounter when living in a Barbie Doll ruled society…i relate to your words, wearing baggy clothes because one feels not skinny enough to wear body fitted attire. well done. ❤
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Thank you Sunshine. And thanks for visiting.
Yeah, it’s a common theme isn’t it? All us women (in western society anyway) told and told and told lies about what looks good and what doesn’t. One day we will all embrace ourselves enough that it won’t matter, and we’ll stop believing the lies.
❤ to you too.
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i blame Barbie D. :p
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And Twiggy, and the fashion industry.
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YES!! although Twiggy had a great haircut. 🙂
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That she did 🙂
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But Twiggy is a little fat now. Oh but I do think thin is better, better for the heart, better for the blood pressure, and the spine, and everything. I know it is cruel to call people fat, but maybe more cruel to let them be, especially if they can help it. I mean there’s genetics to blame — but then some people just eat too much and sit around too much at the dinner table or on the couch in front of the TV. Exercise is good — it’s not vanity, even if it may be the result of vanity. Even if vanity is the principal motivation, the result is a better you, better if only because you have the sense of throwing out what you don’t need instead of having all that weight –all that burden–accumulate in your body. Easy for me to say, genetics is on my side. I am blessed with a very efficient system. Still, in fairness to me, I don’t leave it to genetics to do all the work. There was a time I would do up to 200 crunches, plus another hundred or two situps, a day. You know, in men, even in skinny men like me, at a certain age, all the transgressions, all the indulgence, all that lack of discipline manifest around the belly.
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I do think you are right about exercise. And I am glad that I exercised throughout my life whatever the motivation! I’m glad that there was something to spur me on because I got (still get) so much enjoyment from it, from being fit, and strong. And I agree that there are those who would benefit from less eating and more activity. I think it’s the happy medium that’s important. I’m actually probably not considered overweight at all at the weight I am. I’d like to feel content with it, and still continue to exercise just because it feels good and life is better when you’re fit, and the more you exercise the more energy you have.
And we all get older and eventually start to sag 🙂 Oh joy! 🙂
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You are so beautiful, thanks for your candor and sharing what’s on every woman’s mind – because of societal indoctrination of what “beauty” is suppose to “look” like.
If we time travelled back to ancient Greece, modern women would be considered healthy and prosperous, the ideal form of femininity.What a difference a few millennia make, of course the ego remains the same.
What if we all approach the issue of weight and health in a joyous, celebratory manner, instead of fear, making weight the “enemy” that we need to fight against.
Imagine how our collective lives and well being would turn out.
Here’s a funny quote that sorta rings true for the contemporary woman:
Every guy think’s that every girl’s dream is to find the perfect guy. Bullshit! Every girls’s dream is to eat without getting fat!
It would be funny if it wasn’t such a sad commentary about body image and self esteem. OSHO said if humanity could retain the consciousness without the self, we’d remember we’re all gods! After all, the body’s just a vessel for spirit, right?
My mantra is- all food is wonderful, nourishing and deliciously joyful to eat, it helps with my spiritual growth, creating strong body and mindfulness. I only need as much as my body requires, I am light vibrations, physicality will not be a burden, only bliss.
Thanks again for your bravery and bringing about awareness on all aspects of life.
Be well Alison!
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Thanks for your thoughtful reply. And for the follow. I just returned the favour. I think I tried to follow your blog a while back but it was when it disappeared for a while. Anyway you’re back now.
I love the quote. Made us both laugh. But yes, a sad commentary, and I noticed there was an inner reaction of wishing that would be true – so the mind-story continues. As long as I am just aware, and not identifying with it, it will gradually fade. I think that’s what this has been all about for me – bring the whole issue out into the open so I become more aware of the mind-story as it’s happening and then can make the choice to not believe in it.
Yes the body is just a vessel, and a wonderful one at that. I once had a dream of taking the body off and hanging it on a hook until I needed it for the next day. Except I don’t think it was a dream 🙂
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Alison you are so brave. The path we are on stops at nothing. Everything is shown to us. I totally relate to being ashamed of what is revealed. The ego is so very fragile and afraid….looking for every opportunity for control.
This is suffering . who is to say whether it is better or worse than other’s suffering.
Love is the only answer….our cultures may have lots of food but we do not have lots of love. All love for all of us, Kate B
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Thanks Kate. Yes, the path stops at nothing. Everything must be faced eventually, along with all the feelings.
I have this mantra that I use a lot – breathe in “I choose love here”, breathe out, repeat. What I find it does is first bring to the surface whatever the mind is putting in the way of feeling love. And then the love arises. Until the next thing that needs to be held in the light.
Yes, All love for all of us.
Alison xox
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I like this post a lot because I see myself like that too, I see myself thin and that is how I maintain myself 🙂
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Thank Daniellajoe.
I have thought about “seeing myself thin” on and off over the years. I’m sure I’ll be able to maintain a belief in that after I’ve let go of all the judgments and rigid ego position around it. Getting there . . . . .
All this is helping.
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Alison, thanks for sharing this very personal aspect of your journey. You’re addressing a universal theme here by writing about the quest to be thin and the implanted belief that if we’re not thin we’re not beautiful. It certainly IS difficult to leave behind what we were taught about our bodies; to forget the (not complimentary) things that were said to us, especially when we were young; to reaize and forget the ways those statements have affected us; to change our body-image “story”, ingrained over our lifetime.
I know you don’t necessarily buy in to beliefs that surround you or that others try to impose upon you. I know your personal work (spiritual, mental, emotional, etc) goes deep. So given how difficult this work is proving to be for you, this one must have been ingrained very, very deep within.
Not for the same reasons, I’ve been experiencing a challenge like this since I retired. For me, it’s about accepting my aging body as-is. Being a senior, an older woman. What it feels like, what it looks like in the mirror, how it resembles my mother (yikes). Not caring about what others think or say about older women’s bodies/looks. Changing what I think or say about myself as older woman. Accepting the inevitable wrinkles, brown spots, creaks and groans and pains, and so on.
Here are a few other things I “hear” in your story, as well as working on your beliefs about having to be thin.
On a level below (above?) that, you’re working on ingrained programming about what shapes of bodies are beautiful. I know you enjoy art history and societal history — so intellectually you know that being thin wasn’t and isn’t always the most beautiful body form; other societies and times have believed and do believe otherwise.
You didn’t mention the connected aspects of health and vitality. I hear that, on another level, you’re working on your beliefs about what kind of eating is healthy (what food, how much, how often, etc). Buttered muffins aren’t necessarily the bad guys. 😉
And yet another aspect that seems to be challenging you: you’ve also been programmed (or programmed yourself by being such an active athlete) about how much exercise you “should” do… in this case, not necessarily to stay healthy but to keep thin. You guys walk SO much in your travels and explorations. That’s a whole lot of exercise! So if you have to buy in to a myth about exercise, choose the one that goes “1/2 hour a day of walking will keep you fit and healthy” rather than the one you’re still hanging on to, wherein you’re lacking the “discipline needed…to exercise more”.
Isn’t it fun how much drama we make up for ourselves to deal with, how much we resist certain dramas and participate in others. Isn’t it fun how we’re all not perfect and keep finding ways to prove it to ourselves.
You are beautiful just the way you are. You were then, and that other time, and the time before that, and now, and you will always be so. That’s all there is to know.
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Oh yes I do know that different body types have been accepted as beautiful throughout the ages, and still, here in SE Asia heavier is considered prosperous and therefore desirable (though that could be changing as the western indoctrination insinuates itself more).
I know well enough what’s healthy to eat, and that buttered muffins are only the bad guys if you eat too many of them, or of anything else. There are also beliefs tied in here (and related to your next paragraph) about the food in/energy out paradigm, and the automatic belief that what/how much we eat, and how much we move the body, automatically affects what we weigh. It seems logical to the mind but is it necessarily true? It’s certainly not true for everyone.
We walk so much? Ha! Somedays we don’t even leave our hotel room 🙂
We’ve both been more conscious lately that our fitness level has dropped off, and how much better we feel when we exercise. We went for a 7 hour hike a couple of days ago and at the end of the day were weary, but felt great. OTOH I do agree there is a happy medium needed, and I do need to let go of “lacking the discipline to do more” and trust the unfolding of each day and that enough exercise (whatever that looks like) will arise. That’s the biggest thing in all of this really – a letting go of the ingrained beliefs about what’s acceptable, and trust in the unfolding of life. Life living itself.
I also know your “pain” re aging – the body is not as nimble as it used to be, and things don’t heal as quickly as they used to, and things ache more, and as well there’s a consciousness about how others see/interact with/interpret older people. I’ll deal with that one later 🙂
Thanks Kate for your kindness, and thoughtful reply.
Hugs
Alison
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This is a wonderfully brave post. You’ve always looked very healthy to me and I’ve never even noticed how much you weighed (or looked like you weighed). I hope it helps you in figuring this issue out to know that I will enjoy being your friend no matter what size you are.
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Thanks Fiona, for saying I’m brave (kind of I suppose, but it just had to be done), and for being my friend. All this is helping.
Hugs to you too
Alison
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Also want to say again that I know it’s nonsense, this whole thing about body image that we’ve been “saddled” with (pun intended!) I don’t choose my friends because of how they look. I’m drawn to them partly because of what we have in common, but mostly for their big open hearts. I imagine the reverse is true. I know people love me for who I am, not for how I look, as I love others for the same reason.
Thank you, all of you.
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I agree that this is brave post, Alison – you found the honesty to share your thoughts about a painful topic and that can’t have been easy. You are tackling the issue courageously.
So many women in our society have had the same issue, same struggle, and while women talk easily about this and that diet, this and that outfit, the underlying issues often get overlooked, or we deny them.
I too have been weight obsessed, for me the magic number was 110. For some periods in my younger life I intentionally starved myself to get there, at some points I had crises to help me along (the anxiety diet, lose weight while you don’t sleep). One of my strategies was the Beverly Hills diet, which was based on food combining. Pineapple was the magic food and I lived largely on that, as well as a few other fruits, for a year of more. (To this day, I still can’t look at a pineapple.) Wine went with fruit, so that knocked the hunger down at the end of the day. Coffee and cigarettes were the other staples. I loved being thin and remember how thrilled I was to confidently wear a string bikini on the beach in Mexico – I felt on top of the world. To this day, I cannot look at a pineapple.
I agree that it is largely a control issue. Thin was synonymous with success and if I wasn’t thin, I wasn’t in control, so having that control became critical to my self-esteem.
In the last 15 years or so I’ve had to let go of the desire to be thin because my metabolism has dropped and it’s gotten so much harder not to maintain a much higher weight. Plus, I no longer have the energy to focus on starving myself, nor the desire. It really was an obsession.
I wish I could say there has been some tremendous experience of letting go, but there really hasn’t. I’ve just learned to live with myself and take heart from my doctor’s evaluation that I’m well within a healthy weight range. I still watch my weight but my goal is realistic. I allow myself to enjoy food and equate my former obsession with suffering and deprivation. I’m less anxious than I used to be and more at peace within myself. And I feel healthier than I did when I starved and chain smoked.
However, I can’t say I like how I look and don’t know if I’ll ever be happy with my aging and no longer skinny body, but I don’t look that often. Exercise gives me peace of mind and feeling strong feels good. I figure that my string bikini days are done, and I’m happy about that.
So I suppose it has been about acceptance for me. And learning that there are more important and interesting things to occupy oneself with than obsessing about being thin. Surrender with grace the things of youth, as they say.
Good luck with it.
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Thank you so much for your support, and your story Gayle. I think I too was a little obsessive at times, but more so in recent years I think.
It’s good to hear you’ve found a certain measure of peace and acceptance with it. Perhaps you’re right, part of the way forward it to not look too much 🙂
For me too exercise gives me peace of mind, and feeling strong feels good.
It has been enormously helpful just to put this out there, to tell the truth about how it is for me so I can face it head on. Bit by bit it feels more comfortable and I become more accepting.
It’s insidious, and so unfair that we’re given the message that thin is synonymous with success. So much starving to be good enough.
Yes in the end there are far more important, and rewarding, and enriching things to occupy oneself with than obsessing about being thin. And we’re all already good enough.
Hugs from me. See you in March
Alison
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Hugs, Alison. As I age into my mid-50s I realize that I/we will just get older and then at some point I/we will die. Hopefully in a better rather than worse way. We don’t have the bodies at 60 that we did at 20, regardless of whether our our weight up or down. And we’ll die with old bodies, depending on the when of course, whether it is in the 60s or 70s or 80s or 90s or 100s. Women generally don’t look good in mini-skirts at 70 in my opinion – my thin and very weight-conscience mother-in-law wears mini-skirts sometimes and looks entirely ridiculous.
I just don’t want to spread way big like I’ve seen some others do at my age, I do want to keep some grip on my weight. At the same time I’m surrendering with grace the things of youth and the obsession to be thin.
Let’s enjoy what life we have left to the fullest and be at peace with who we are as we do that. What could be better than that, given that we will die at some point? Lets prepare for it well.
A life well-lived is the best preparation for death, so I seek that well-lived life for myself and to enjoy it fully.
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Amen to all of that.
(and totally agree re mini skirts on older women – not attractive.)
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a great reflection. i admire your courage and honesty and openness for posting this! you’re right about the lack of routine and its influence, i gain a lot of weight while traveling, cos of course dining out a lot is part of the whole vacation.. and its mostly cos of the fact that i usually eat out when traveling and one can never expect restaurant food to be healthy, unlike at home when we can control our cooking and the ingredients. you always looked fine to me! always sounded happy and healthy and that, i think, is more important ^^
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Thanks kz. Yes, it’s true I am happy and healthy. And that’s more important than a few extra pounds. You really nailed it though with the being on vacation thing. Part of the issue for me is that in the past I always gave myself permission to eat what I wanted on vacation (within reason). Well, I’m on vacation all the time now, and still living into that old way of being, and at the same time fighting it. Need to find a new way of being with food in this nomadic life, and a new way to be with the body as it is.
Thanks for your support
xoxox, and some of your ^^
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